needing help

Well I don't know really what to say. This is the first time I have opened up to anyone about this. No one knows that I've been SI for a while now. I hide it very well. I do it on my ankles most of the time and I hide them by wearing socks. I've been going through severe depression and panic dissorder for over 5 yrs now. And no I'm not seeing a therapist for it because I can't afford it and I'm trying to go through the local MHMR but its gonna be 2 yrs before I can get in. And I'm in the middle of getting disability. And I have no one to talk to about it. If my husband were to find with all the things that are going on with us he would try to use that against me. But anyways when I SI it usually happens when I'm having a panic attacks or when I'm just really upset. Which is pretty much all the time. But I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to hide it much longer.

When you have panic attacks do you find that SI helps you to calm down?
Have you tried other ways of coping other than SI?

Yes I have found that's pretty much the only thing that will calm me down. They are so bad right now and I try to distract myself and sometimes it works and then sometimes it doesn't. And it takes away from the pain that I feel on the inside.

I know exactly how you feel. Have you tried journaling at all?

Yea I used to keep a journal but my husband went and made copies of the parts that had my bad thoughts on it. So I've stopped journaling. He snoops around everything and reads everything.

Hi Angie, I thought that this was a good video about how to cope with panic attacks.

Thank you. I've cut out pretty much all of those. And the stressful situation that I'm in right now with my marriage I can't get away from right now since I'm unable to work.

So you don't have panic attacks then?

Running from a problem doesn't solve it anyway. You can learn in the situation that you are in now.

Thank you. I am trying I really am. Its just really hard for me right now

Yes I have panic attacks at least twice a day and now they are starting to pretty much last all day.

With the situation Angie is in, getting away from it would be the best situation. A lot of the issues she is going through is because of the situation she is in.

Wait, your husband makes copies of your DIARY? and not the good parts, just the BAD parts? I don't know if it's my place to say, but he doesn't sound like a very supportive husband... again, I don't wanna seem cheeky, but that makes me a bit concerned for you. You say he snoops around and checks everything? And would "try to use it against you"? Why would he do something like that to you? Spouses should be supportive, right? Not suspicious, snoopy, and manipulative... do you think marriage counseling could be a possibility somehow? :/
I really hope I haven't spoken too brazenly... I mean, I don't know a thing about your relationship with your husband or anything; it just doesn't sound good or helpful to me... and if such, if any, relationship tensions are the source of some of the problems that cause you to cut, it should be an issue that needs to be dealt with, right? If it would help keep you from cutting, I mean...
Idk, it's 6 am, I'm a sleep deprived college student....I'm rambling a bit, sorry.

But still,

Thank you. Yeah he leaves the good parts out. And no he's not supportive at all. He is very vindictive. Even if you don't do anything wrong to him. And I've tried to get him to go to marriage counseling but he won't go.