[Fox]

<33 I've gone 1 year and 3 months with out self harming. I rewarded myself (and the insiders since I have DID apparently) by buying a pocket knife on Wednesday.

It's an awesome knife with an extended tang so you can open it with one hand quickly, is blue plated on one side with flames on the blade and has the Harley insignia saying "Born to Ride".

I did it for three reasons. First most, because I never have a knife when I need to open stuff (of course now I have one I won't need it probably lol!).

Second because I want to test myself and show to the others inside that I have faith in them to be good and not SI anymore. I still have thoughts but they're actually not as strong since I got the knife so rewarding them with trust seems to help me. (Everyone's different so I'm not saying to go out and get a weapon just cause this had a positive effect so far). I also laid out rules for myself and the insiders about it. If I find myself or that others have used it on the body then it's going to be given back to our friend who sold it to us to hold onto until we can be trusted again.

Third is probably not a good reason. But I feel safer with a pocket knife. I still have dealings with a past abuser (we're related but not by choice :P) and I just feel like if I have to I should be able to defend myself since he is stronger than me. A knife in the thigh will stop just about anyone. I don't know if it came to it if I'd be able to use it to defend myself but at least I do have that option.

The days that I find myself thinking about bad things I put the knife on my desk and sit on the bed refusing to move until the thoughts past. I distract myself with writing or coloring or drawing. I used to pinch myself still but that too is starting to lessen a lot. I'm going to keep on going I know I can completely break free from this horrible issue. It's not a safe way to cope. It only adds to the problems we have. I hope that everyone else here agrees that any feeling it gives you is a fleeting one and the changes it brings are ALWAYS for the worse, not better. {hugs everyone and hopes they all stay safe one day at a time}

[puzzclar]

Great work!! (work only because it takes time)

[KeepHoldingOn]

Congrats Foxy!

[Fox]

One more thing I wanted to add to help others. When I first started stopping the habit, I had a LOT of fall backs. It wasn't until I started keeping track that I was able to gain control. I kept a calendar out and every time I fell back I put a mark on it. I aimed for no marks. At first it was only a day or so between, then weeks, then months. Now it's been a year and I still get urges but I've found new coping skills. I hope that everyone here can too <3

[Bill3]

Would you be willing to share your coping strategies and skills?

[Fox]

Sure for me these worked.

-I found a "safe spot". My bed is my safe spot. I don't leave it until bad thoughts leave except for the bathroom and I don't allow myself to do anything except use the toilet and wash my hands then I go back to the bed.

-While I'm sitting or laying on my safe spot I try to identify why I'm feeling like this. Then see if I can change the circumstance, or better yet my own viewpoint on things.

-I found somebody I can talk to that is understanding. Note I said "understanding" not "approving". A mature adult is best situated NOT a peer who thinks whatever makes you happy is good. Mature ones who have dealt with similar feelings in the past and are in a good place now are the best for talking to.

-I stopped hiding the scars. The shame factor is very healing personally. If I'm going to do something why hide it? Until you're ready to deal with the consequences of your actions you're not going to be motivated to stop.

-I got help for the underlining issues. Depression, anxiety, numbness, etc. pretty much all have causes whether it's chemical or environmental you have to be responsible for your own emotions. NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU THIS WAY you allow yourself to be this way. Fight negative emotions with positive logic. It won't always make sense and it won't always connect but trust that if you change your perspective on life to a more positive outlook you can live with the worse of things.

-Build a strong faith. I'm not just talking about religion but that can be helpful in its own way. Have faith that you are going to make it through another hour, another day, another week. However long as you can go be proud of that time and say next time I'll double that. I've gone over a year I can make it to two.

-Some say they hurt themselves to punish themselves, that's an environmental thought by the way. I had that thought too. Here's a new thought. Denying yourself the right to SI is just as strong a punishment as giving in. You'll be more miserable at first cause you DO go through withdrawals. Or at least, I did.

-I stopped saying "can't". I CAN quit. I CAN walk past any tool I've used before without picking it up. I CAN find positive things in my life. I CAN keep hanging in there. I CAN be strong. Later those are replaced with WILL.

It's not easy to change your entire thinking. But you CAN do it one step at a time. Also using the sticky of other things you can do instead are very helpful. I still draw on my arms and legs with marker but now they're signs of love and not hate.

Remember you as an adult can now choose your life and there's tons of people who are wanting to protect you. You just have to reach out and find them.

[Bill3]

Wow, thank you, Fox, that was really interesting and helpful.

Congratulations on your 1 year and 3 months!

[Fox]

Thanks Bill. I hope I am able to help. Those are just a few things there's more but I can't think of them at the moment. But believe me there's so many options!

[Tatyana2009]

Hi Fox, glad to know you are doing so well!! This is wonderful. And your list of coping is just super! Well done!!

[Christina86]

Good for you Fox