[BNLsMOM]

It was weird. I was getting a coffee and I saw that the Barrista had a scar on her arm. I assumed she got it from bumping against the hot espresso machine and getting a minor burn. Then I wished I worked there so I could get "accidental" burns. Easy to explain where the marks come from.

Later I was buying gifts for my sons and the cashier offered a whole box of sharks teeth and told me I could pick one to take to my son. My husband searched through and found a good one that still had its serrated edge. I suddenly thought that I would be able to use that to cut my arm with.

I am on vacation and have no particular stress right now but I think seeing the barrista's scar set me off.

I am not going to do anything, but I am wondering if I might have been gathering ways to do it once I get home and have stress there again.
That's what i was doing before I went into the hospital last summer. I was taking mental inventory of things I could use. It seemed somewhat involuntary, as these thoughts did today.

I have also been dreaming of being in the hospital in some way every night for several nights in a row.

Yuck.

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am on vacation and have no particular stress right now but I think seeing the barrista's scar set me off.

I was taking mental inventory of things I could use. It seemed somewhat involuntary, as these thoughts did today.

When I read these two statements, It reminded me of all of my thoughts. I know where you are right now. I would like to tell you, that you can get past this. This is only TEMPORARY. Things can get better. Enjoy your vacation, put this behind you, and continue with life! And remember one thing to NEVER Quit. Read the last line of my signature, it really does help.

[BNLsMOM]

Thanks. I am doing OK. Feeling well, actually. Vacation is such a good thing.

I am just surprised that these thoughts can come from something so innocent as getting a coffee. (decaf, of course)

[xXWhyXx]

Yeah, I can really relate to that.. Every single thing I see that is sharp then the first thing that pops into my mind is "I could use that for SI.." I want to stop already but every single thing seems to stem back to a thought about self injury. Ugh.. Well, anyways, I hope you have fun on your vacation!

[BNLsMOM]

It's so weird because I never went through with any SI until a couple of weeks ago. Last year, I was suicidal and I was making the inventory of things I could use to hurt/kill myself. It just seems that having those thoughts without any psysical fallout, i.e. I didn't get in trouble, the Earth didn't open up and swallow me, etc. allowed me to feel those thoughts were safe to have. Before that, the thoughts themselves were frightening enough to keep me from doing anything.

I am in close contact with my T and he know what is going on. When I get home we are going to continue working on where these thoughts/impulses are coming from.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my last two days of vacation.

Thanks for reading/responding.

Take care of yourself, BNLsMOM. Love yourself and be well.

[venusss]

Take care of yourself and relax on your vacation...

I actually had a moment like it too not so long ago, I was on my part time job and this girl had several fresh cuts on her arm... I could not help myself but to wonder if it's what I think it is... and it was very strange.

[stupidsminkle]

I understand that the urges can come suddenly when you see something. I get urges randomly like that too, and usually it is when I see something sharp and I start to think about using it as a tool. :/ It's not productive thinking and I usually try to pull myself out of it (I dissociate at some sights). Having people around you when this happens is good because they can force you back to reality and push away those thoughts before you can dwell too much.

[jennaorgana]

maybe you dream about being in the hospital because obviously you want to be there. the hospital is a place of SAFETY, of REST... you can't hurt yourself in the hispital and you have everything taken care of. seems pretty nice to me.

but you are going to be okay, thinking and doing are two different things. once you start thinking that way it is so hard to stop.