[pulled2ways]

I have a long history of SI & suicide attempts. The most recent put me into the hospital yet again. I got out about a month ago, but am still dealing w/ many thoughts. I often wish I could die, just not by my hand. I don't want to be this way.
So now the temptation to SI is becoming greater & greater...just a little cut, etc, nothing that's too dangerous. Yet I know once I start it becomes worse & I quickly get to the point of being so tired of being sick that I just want out.
This is not how I want people to know me, some suicidal crazy person. It's not the example I want to set for kids. But I can't seem to stop. Right now the urges are pretty strong. I don't want to give in, but yet I do. Again I ask, "What's so bad..."

[Perna]

Originally Posted by pulled2ways

This is not how I want people to know me, some suicidal crazy person.

I know once I start it becomes worse & I quickly get to the point of being so tired of being sick that I just want out.

It's not the example I want to set for kids.

That's what's so bad. Very good self-knowledge. Think about how you do want people to know you and work toward that?

[skeksi]

So now the temptation to SI is becoming greater & greater...just a little cut, etc, nothing that's too dangerous. Yet I know once I start it becomes worse & I quickly get to the point of being so tired of being sick that I just want out.

That's my experience, too. As much as I want to believe it "helps," starting it only makes me sicker and more hurt. It's fear of the shame, I guess, of being judged for contributing to my problem. Whatever works, right?

I really like the idea of choosing not to self-harm because you want to provide a better model. This is how we change things, bit by bit.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by skeksi

As much as I want to believe it "helps," starting it only makes me sicker and more hurt.

same here. and yeah, the urges are building again. and no, it prolly doesn't help for me to be reading in this forum. but I guess you gotta focus on WHY not to. that is what I am doing. I too know that it really won't help. but it feels like it will help in the meantime. it lies. focus on why not to do it.
best

[Sannah]

Are you working on these issues in therapy?

[pulled2ways]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you working on these issues in therapy?

I'm working w/ a t. To my own surprise I opened up more at my last session, smething very difficult for me to do. I shared some of the urges & what makes them worse & that's a huge accomplishment for me. Usually my t sessions are very quiet & I give short, basic responses.

[Sannah]

Woo Hoo! Good work!!