[Elspeth]

Hi I haven't been here for a long time. But I don't know who I can talk to about this.

I'm at uni now and we are starting to study mental illness. Which sounds like it's really interesting and it is. But i'm starting to think that people are starting to suspect me and what I have and what I do.

I have depression and I try to numb the pain and thoughts by cutting. A few times people have seen my scars accidentally and I've covering it up by saying it was a dog or I caught myself on a bit of wire. (stupid really) But they seem to believe me.

But today I realised that this one guy maybe suspects, cos he has accidentally seen my cuts and mentioned today that people often cut in particular places and he said for example blah blah blah, and it was the same place that I do it. For exactly the reason he said "so it's less likely that people will see."

It was really scary, it was like he could read my thoughts. And in that moment I panicked. I mean he didn't look at me or anything but I think he was deliberately not looking at me. Do you understand?

I am really freaked out that they will realise that I fit all the critera and then everyone will know. Im really really scared. Which makes me want to cut even more to stop the rising panic. But at the same time I realise that is stupid, because then they are more likely to see the fresh scabs and if they didn't know before, they will now.

I don't know what to do. I got home today and I was physically shaking cos I was so scared. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I can't withdraw because then they'll still suspect and I try to be normal but because I'm so scared it comes out like a hyperactive nonsense and still seems fake and that i'm trying to hide something.

I don't want them to find out. I really don't want them to find out.

[Rapunzel]

What's the worst that would happen if they did know? Keeping it secret can be worse than being open (when appropriate). If you aren't in therapy, maybe they will suggest that you go for treatment. If you are coping with uni and handling your classes, there is no reason for you to withdraw. It is appropriate for classes about mental health to discuss self injury, because people need to understand it, and see it for what it is, and know how to deal with it appropriately - without judgment and with support. You don't have to tell them that you do it, although this could be an opportunity for you and your classmates to learn about support and caring and acceptance.

I was where you are now. One of my undergrad classes did talk about SI, and I was at the point where I was ready to stop hiding, after being so scared for so long. I emailed the professor and told her about it, and was honest with my classmates and answered their questions. I wasn't the only one in the class who self-injured. I wasn't done with therapy though, and now it is 6 years later and I'm still going to that professor for therapy. She understands SI and also overcame her own problems with it. Now I am also a therapist. I don't hide my scars anymore. I don't know if people guess what they are from - some are more accidental than others, and I can honestly say that those are from "fighting with my guanaco." It's the truth, for a couple of them. Not for all of them, and I should have stayed out of that guanaco pen, but oh well. My T doesn't go to any trouble to hide her scars either. Both of us wear short sleeves when it is appropriate (not too cold). People can think what they want.

You might not be ready to be that open about it, and that is fine. All I am suggesting is that maybe the fear of being found out could be worse than it actually happening.

[Mike_J]

So what if they know? And he probably was talking about you, giving you an opportunity to open up to him, I’m guessing he would like to help.

And the reason people believe the stories that we tell them about our scars is they want to believe them, not believing them means THEY have to face the truth, and it scares them. People don’t want to believe that it is possible for a person to be so down that they would intentionally hurt themselves, because it if can happen to us, it could happen to them. That is why there is such a stigma to mental illness, fear, fear that it could happen to them.

Could be you found someone who does care though, and isn’t afraid, might be worth the risk to talk to him, I mean really talk to him.

[Abby]

I'm betting that there will a lot of other people in your class, your dorm, your campus, your university, that suffer with depression and SH. Maybe this guy that was talking has difficulties himself? You never know....

I understand not wanting people you work and study with to know that you have depression as I personally wouldn't want my colleagues to know for various reasons. But I have been surprised by the positive reactions I have gotten when I have been open. When I was at uni lots of things happened that lead me to 'have a black mark against my name' (their words not mine!), and time and time again I went into meetings with them and never told them anything of the reasons as to why I was having difficulties because i was too scared....then one day everything got too much and I told my tutor and to my complete astonishment she understood and said she has difficulties too and I wished I'd spoken up earlier. It radically changed a great deal of my interactions and experiences with lecturers etc. I felt a lot less threatened because I wasn't so busy trying to cover everything up.

[Elspeth]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I just don't know how to tell people and I don't think I want them to know just yet.

It was really encouraging to hear what happened to you after you guys told people and how it made it easier.

Thank you.