[tealBumblebee]

For the last couple of days, I have had this urge to tell my closest friends (we are a group of five) about my struggle with self harm. They all know bits and pieces - One was there the very first time I ever did it, one asked why I started seeing T, and one knows that i'm in T and on an ssri now.

The only person who has seen my scars is my best friend, and she didn't think they were "that bad" (which is another story in itself, but i'll chalk her dismissal up to the drunken state we were in). We also never talk about it - ever.

I feel like it's this "secret" i'm keeping in. And lately i've had the urge to just confess. To tell them of my struggle. Tell them i'm on meds. I don't want to tell them my history. But what I can't figure out is why I want to tell them. What benefit is there in doing it? I've had this urge to just "talk" lately; so I emailed T about that. She was pleasantly receptive. So I was thinking maybe this urge was just part of that need to talk and would pass. But it's been a few days and it still hasn't. I also don't know if i'm in a hypomanic phase (I never know) and maybe thats why I feel this need to just tell all of my business.

I know I could talk this out with my T tomorrow, but I don't want her to ask about it or know about it because it kind of embarrasses me because I have no reason for doing it. What is this about?

[Crazy Hitch]

(((tealBumblebee)))

I can't tell you what to do.

But I can speak from personal experience, having read your whole thread.

If you suspect you may be hypomanic, if it was me, I would wait?

Before saying anything.

It does tend to release inhibitions.

But once you've said something you can't do it.

I don't know.

I mean you have a right to speak if you want to?

You can tell them?

This is a matter of personal choice.

It is something you would need to explain though as I am sure that those who do not self harm may not understand this behaviour?

This is just my thoughts.

You are free to decide.

[tealBumblebee]

Thanks for the reply Hooligan!

If you suspect you may be hypomanic, if it was me, I would wait?

Before saying anything.

It does tend to release inhibitions.

But once you've said something you can't do it.

I really don't know how to tell if I am or not, but T's kind of alluded to it too. She's asked me how many days i've been feeling like this, and observed my inability to sit completely still (which she has no problem with). I don't feel any form of out of control - just, I guess - in your words uninhibited!

It is something you would need to explain though as I am sure that those who do not self harm may not understand this behaviour?

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts; I have decided to hold off. At least until I can say and completely believe "I am not hypomanic." That urge to "get it out there" hasn't subsided but your post has helped me recognize that I do not want to answer any of the questions or deal with the emotional responses that may come along with it.

[ThisWayOut]

maybe there's something about needing to be fully authentic and accepted "as is", scars, demons, and all?

[BAZOOCA123]

Its hard to to confess things, I didn't tell my mom about my horrifying intrusive thoughts that kept popping in my mind of

Possible trigger:

killing my family and everyone around me

until I was 16, I had had them since I was 6 or 7. I eventually came out to my family and got better help, for my friend I have also told him and he is still my friend. Ultimately it is up to you, and only you know how your friends might react. But I felt like my friends and family needed to know because they knew things were getting worse but they didn't know why.

[tealBumblebee]

So, I have decided not to tell. I kind of still want to but I don't think it would be a wise decision.

I did, however, tell my best friend when I was going through some urges and she was like noooooo, don't cut. (we were texting) And I told her that I didn't tell her that I was doing that for her to like beg me to stop or anything, I was just telling her what I was currently dealing with. She didn't respond but then, at the end of the night she asked me if I was feeling better and I told her I didn't cut and she sent a smiley.

I realized that I can be kind of defensive of my self harm so I have no idea what it is i'm looking for when I expected to just blab it out to my friends.

Part of me feels like there is not sinceritiy in their response (as with my best friend) but then part of me goes into - it's none of your business back off! mode. Soooo this urge to blab out makes absolutely no sense unless i'm trying to unconsciously lose all my friends by being a total b* to all of them.