[BNLsMOM]

It seems when I am stressed, my images of self harm begin to seep through. Have you ever been about to eat something delicious and you can actually taste it before you put it in your mouth? Or someone is going to touch you on the back and you feel the pressure of their touch before they touch you? That is how it is with my images. I see the image, and the part of the body that the image is centered on feels the image. There is no pain, although I know if I did it for real that there would be pain.

I talked with my T this week and my p-doc about it. T is helping me with the feelings and p-doc told me I could take an extra 25mg of Seroquel.

Now here is the issue. My mind is playing tricks on me. I feel like the images are like my brain commanding me to do these things. I resist because my fear of pain/embarrassment/feeling like I will get in trouble overrides the images. I have occassionally scratched in the past and was embarrassed about the mark it makes.

My husband is away this weekend, causing a lot of stress for me. For the past two nights when I go to bed, the images come. (I take my Seroquel at night) I know I will be safe because my husband will be upstairs soon and that my Seroquel will be kicking in soon. This week, my brain was telling me that I should do something to myself when my husband is gone.

I know it is wrong, and I will likely not do anything, but I am a little afraid of how I am going to feel. I will really only be on my own for one night, and tomorrow is super busy, so I will be distracted.

I don't know what I am getting at in this post. I seem to have lost the point.

[Rapunzel]

It feels real because the memories are stored in your body. It doesn't mean that you will or have to act on those memories. You can acknowledge what you are feeling, where it is coming from, current stressors, etc., and you can choose what to do with that. Staying busy can really help a lot.

[Sannah]

It seems that you are good at resisting and keeping yourself safe, this is very good.