I don't know why I do it

I don't know why I cut. I don't do it a lot. I do it when I'm really angry or upset, which... well, now that I think about it, is a good portion of the time. I like to see the cuts on my arm. I don't know why. It makes me feel a little better when I do it. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it. My best friend knows now, and I know how badly she wants me to stop. Sometimes I'm really good and I don't. I've slipped up a few times though. I promised her I'd stop and sometimes I just want to do it again and again and again.

Vella, are you in therapy?

Sometimes you will slip up, thats part of the recover. You will feel bad about it but then you'll forget about it. Sometimes talking helps. But what helps even more is replacing cutting with some sort of hobby. I.E. Drawing, bloging, Running, Yoga, Music, anything that puts good thoughts in your brain.

and read my signature it really does help in those times that you may slip up. But you can stop over time. I did.

Breathing exercises, any kind of exerting activity can help burn away some of that anger.

Slipping up happens and it's best to live day by day, see how far you can go without cutting and consider every new day an accomplishment. But if you ever cut again, don't beat yourself up, just try to figure out something different to do.

It seems that you cut when you are angry or upset, so it's an emotional release for you, like it is many people. I think venting your anger would be the best strategy to try. By doing what puzzclar said or by finding some physical activity to do like soccer or something that you enjoy.

I'm not in therapy. I can't tell my mom that something is wrong with me. My older brothers are both substance abusers with bad histories and no prospective future. I am their youngest and I've got to be perfect.

I try to vent. I feel bad though venting to my best friend. I don't want to ruin her good day or something like that. And she doesn't know a whole lot about what's wrong with me. She know's something is, but I haven't told her much about my childhood or growing up or my brothers or anything. She wants to know and she asks me to tell her. I know how much she cares. I just can't bring myself to talk to her. I feel like there is never a good time to do so.

Why?......

Because my brothers are horrible. I can't mess up. I'm their last chance.

They will love you no matter what. If you have a problem with mental help, it's best to get help now, not later.

And Vent here as much as you can. It doesn help, and it's around people who care!!!

As far as "messing up" goes, just be you!! and just don't rely on other substances to help you get through this. Start talking to us here, start hoping for a positive outcome. If you have some SI now.... and it's not taken care of... then it leads to messing up more. Stop while you can, if you want help and want to talk to us here. then do it. Your parents... well you can tell them you are talking to those who can help you with things that they don't really want to know about. They should respect you for your disisions. You can do it. with people who care all around you.

S.I. doesn't mean you messed up. It doesn't mean that you have failed your parents. They are there to take care of you and make sure that you grow as a person, they should therefor be there to help you. Being the best is a very tall order to fill, and mistakes happen. However it's not the mistakes we make, but how we deal with them.

S.I. can mean that you are hurting in some way or another, just take it one day at a time and do your best to get better. For yourself. You are well worth the love of your parents, and you are well worth the love of yourself.

So it is up to you to save your family? This is a lot of responsibility. Part of getting healthy includes stop trying to save everyone else.