[Catlovers141]

I was trying really hard not to SI today. I have been doing pretty well with distractions and taking care of myself when I get urges. But today was different because I SI'ed because of guilt and self-punishment. I didn't feel like I deserved to do any of those things and just deserved to be hurt, so I SI'ed.

I was probably blowing this way out of proportion, but I got a phone call from home today and they were talking about my sister, who is 13. How much of a perfectionist she is, how she wants to get an A+ in whatever classes she's taking, etc. Anyway, listening to it was heartbreaking for me because I care about my sister and that way of thinking was a leading contributor to my issues in high school. It was a very painful time for me and I don't want her to go through that.

I felt guilty because in high school I won a lot of awards and got a lot of recognition from family, people at school, etc. She had to go to all of my ceremonies and I just feel like her perfectionism is my fault. She saw the praise and approval I got and it's like now she is copying. It feels like not only have I messed up my own life but I have messed up hers too.

I tried to talk to her today, in the hopes that it just won't get worse as she gets older. I didn't feel like she was hearing me. I know she is only 13, but I am worried that the same thing that happened to me will happen to her. I was kind of hoping she would come to the conclusion that it isn't worth it, but then I remembered the only way I realized it was after I messed myself up with no social life, an eating disorder, and self-injury.

So what can I do? How do I feel less guilty or find some other way to deal with the guilt. I just can't emotionally recognize the fact that I don't need to cut over this. And how do I help my sister? I feel like I have added very negatively to this situation...

[possum220]

Hiya,

Believe it or not your sister is her own person. You are only responsible for you. She is responsible for herself. Siblings are all different. Maybe the perfectionism part is something programmed into us from DNA or maybe its because she has been brought up in the same environment as yourself.

Give yourself a break. Look after yourself. Get well. And just be a sister.
Your sister will make her own decisions too.

[Sannah]

Hey Cat, you know perfectionism comes from parenting. You, and your sister, must be getting messages from your parents that you must be very good at everything and if you are perfect they will finally love you the way that you need them to.

Healthy children are raised when their parents want them to do well but they love them whether they do well or not anyway. There isn't any bartering love for performance.

Or maybe you and your sister are learning this behavior from one of your parents? Is one of your parents really hard on themselves about performance?

Another scenario that comes to mind is a dysfunctional family which doesn't communicate well but is high performing.

Anyway, you aren't the parent of your sister so you didn't form her behaviors. Both of you share the same environment that your parents provide since they are the ones in charge and they are the ones who set the environment.

Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

[Catlovers141]

I don't know what happened. I guess I just heard what seemed like the same thing happening to my sister and I panicked. I don't know why I posted or why I SI'ed. It was just not a very good day yesterday and then having that on top of it just kind of set me off. I think if it weren't for everything else that went on I would have been able to handle this better. I just started jumping to all sorts of conclusions.

What was going through my mind yesterday was just feeling guilty for making my sister's issues worse. Even if it was caused by other things, I felt bad for contributing negatively to the situation. I don't know; I overreacted. I know that. Having a whole bunch of things going wrong in one day can do that...

Right now I just feel bad about SI last night. Like it was such a dumb thing to do and there are so many other ways I could have handled that situation.

[Sannah]

How did you make your sister's issues worse? Can you forgive yourself?