[puzzclar]

I am now moved in and doing okay in school. I'm stressed beyond belief. I have never wanted to SI more. But yet something stops me. Because I know I can only do it when people are not around, and that just makes it so that I don't know how to handle things. I'm sacared, worried, and just about everything. I'm studying Psychology, to hopefully fix myself.... but I wish I was further along, so that the pain would stop.

Pain, why do you seek me.
What did I do to you.
The only thing I have done is tried to be me
And yet there you stand waiting, watching
for the moment in time that I give up.
I have to say pain, you are a huge pain in my side.
Just go away, and stay away from me.
Let me be.
I just want to be able to focus without your nagging influence on me.
Go away pain.

[ladyjrnlist]

Lovely poems. You are doing OK. Stay strong. Things are going to get better from here on. Hugs.

[Sannah]

Have you met with your therapist yet?

[puzzclar]

Yes, Ihave and I will see here I'm hoping on monday. For an emergency appointment, with both doc and therapist. I was soo close to going to a mental hosptial. I"m scared that I can't control myself. But one good thing is my car is a few blocks away, and I can't drive in my condition anyway. I'm so week because of an anxiety/psychotic break. typing even hurts.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you have the appts. on Monday. I'm sorry that you are worried about everything. I'm glad that you are doing okay in school. Please consider going to the hospital if you can't wait until Monday.

[puzzclar]

I did go to the hospital. I got back today... Was there for 6 days and had a crazy first night there. It wasn't prety. but As long as I journal about everything. then I should start to turn around. My meds got changed a bit. and I'm tired. so of to bed. more later.

[Sannah]

I was wondering where you have been. I'm glad that you went to get help. Will be waiting for your next post.

[puzzclar]

And I have been busy with school, so I have not been on as much as I was. Only on when I have a few minutes, and good internet connection.
But I have noticed one thing, When I take the lower dose of one of my meds, it makes me sooo darn tired, where I fall asleep easily. And I've had a hard time remember what happened during the attacks, which is kind of normal, but I still hate it. I want my memories back!! I remember people Who came back the MH but those right before, I don't remember, and it's driving me bananas. Not to mention I have to take a few other things now because of the blood work and after a week the bruse on my hand from the blood draw is still there. Grr. I want it gone now... but sadly I can't have my way. But I will be taking a test in the next hour, so I hope that all the studying pays off. And people are eating good food in front of me, and It tempts me to buy it even if I don't have money for it. It just sounds soooo good, for the first time in like a few weeks.
And in the MH life seems so easy, and then you get out, and things become difficult. Why does it have to be that way, why??? (part venting)

[Sannah]

Good luck with your tests! I'm glad that you are busy with school.