I can't do this anymore.... (TRIGGERRING!!!!)

It has been over a year since I have cut. My mom died last Monday from ALS. I was there when she died.

I feel like a silent train wreck. I feel myself imploding. I can’t do this anymore. My chest is tight. My stomach is in knots. Panic just grips me. I want out of my skin. I just want to scratch it off, all off. I feel like I am suffocating. I feel physically sick.

I see her suffering every time I close my eyes. It won’t go away. It comes back anytime I am alone. I still see her gasping for breath, the fear and confusion in her eyes as she clutched my hands. I still hear her rattled breathing as she lay dying. I was the one who woke to find she had died. I had to call to have her removed from the house. I sat there as she was wheeled out.

I have to be the strong one. I have to take care of my sister. I have to be strong for her. No time for me to cry. I have to deal with self-righteous family members. My family is not here. No support for me. I am alone again.

My father ambushed me at the hotel the moring of her funeral. I have not spoken to him in over 12 years. He physically abused me for 19 yrs and has apparently decided to continue to emotionally abuse me. He is threatening to blackmail me. He says he has a photo that I have no recollection of. He is threatening to email it to people because I will not talk to him.

The fear, stress and anxiety are overwhelming. I desperately need peace. I only feel emotionally numb and anxious. I need to turn it into physical pain to release it. I haven’t hurt myself in almost a year. I had it under control. I feel that control slowly slipping away. I’m afraid of crashing. I feel so alone. God help me. I can’t do this. It is too much for me.

insecurity

i am so so so sorry. you have a lot to deal with right now.

not in a good place myself righ tnow, so all i can do is offer some hugs.

Insecurity, I am sorry for your loss. Keep posting okay?

I send you my condolences. I know what it's like to have a long drawn out death-I've seen four of'm.

Hang in there! ;-) remember, you aren't alone as long as you have us!

Keep posting k?

i so know what you have gone through my farther died of ALS and it is horrible and it is draining he lived for & years after diagnosis.i'm so sorry.

Maybe you can find some relief in knowing your mom isn't suffering anymore, your not alone. she is looking over you. it may feel silly at first but try talking to her, out in the air like you normally would. you might start to find that she is talking back through little things, like a flicker of a light, some pennies in a certain spot, you never know. i hope things get better for you

Sorry for the loss of mom. ALS is a terrible disease. I know you are tough and a survivor!!