[paintingravens]

for the first time since Fall of 09, and I have another appointment set up for next monday afternoon (side note: I haven't slept in 30+ odd hours, so I was probably not the most coherent when I spoke to him today...). I always end up canceling or "missing" possible appointment times when I've gone to set up appointments in the past, so... it kinda feels like a big-ish deal to me (so I guess you should all be proud of me [insert celebratory emoticon pizza for effect])

But it always feels weird after I talk to him. Not to sound whiny or anything, I guess I'm still just not used to the whole therapy thing--I mean, he's the only mental-health professional-type person I've ever talked to, and I'm already pretty bad at sharing, verbally, about myself and my feelings, and the resulting awkwardness, along with the usual post-session vulnerability, is still really weird and new to me.... After a session, I always end up asking myself why I even needed to talk, particularly to him, in the first place, it's like I immediately feel like I never needed to do so to begin with, usually followed by a sudden disdain for the sessions, but then I have to remind myself that, yes, there was a reason for going to him in the first place... I don't actually know if there's a point to this... I think part of me is still resisting the thought of changing, regardless of what the logical half of me is saying.

I haven't hurt myself since September, but mostly because I hadn't been feeling any need or desire to--plus, I told my boyfriend, that I was finished with it, which definitely helped to mentally turn it down (not necessarily for me, though; mostly for him -- that's not bad, is it?). By the way, was that technically lying when I had technically not harmed myself since September, even if I wasn't/am still not totally sure that I'm done with it? I'm probably going to talk to him (boyfriend, that is) about it this weekend; I could use the support. I don't really want to go to another session on monday, but I probably should. I suppose it's just easier not to worry about it, but then, I guess that's not the point, is it?

Just rambling, I guess. It helps a bit to type it all out in front of me where I can see my thoughts and respond to them myself... Thanks for reading this long thing anywho.

[Sannah]

Hey PR, long time, no see. Great news! No SI since Sept.! Very good. So glad that you are talking with your bf. Sounds like you are doing the right things here by going to talk to the counselor. Keep going! Please keep us posted?