[kyle]

Well... I used to do some "bad" things to myself that i couldn't really control. I know, it is very very hard, but, i have found a replacement for myself. I take a permanent marker and draw a big think black "X" on my left index fingernail. When i want to uhh.... ya.... i look at that x, and i grab a marker and make it darker and thicker. I have it there for about a month, and thats the ONLY mark i've had on myself.

[cryingchild]

That sound like a very positive thing to do other then harming yourself.Just remember that we are all for you if things are tough

[Zenobia]

I think it is a good substitute. It seems to be affective which is wonderful. Hope things get so that you don't have to have an x on your fingernail.
Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[kyle]

thanks guys

[kyle]

this morning i woke up, and my X had worn off... and i looked around and smiled and thought to myself... ***** THAT LITTLE F*CKIN' X!! lol sorry, but i don't have an X anymore, and i don't have the urges to....ya...u know.... but anyway

[Zenobia]

*Carrie claps her hands for kyle* Good on ya.

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Zenobia]

Oh and I was going to tell you, on monday I used a purple ink pen to draw a intricate henna type design on my hand. It took over an hour. I did it while that gal was telling me that we borderlines are horrible mean people. It was quite lovely when I finished and it got me through the moment.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[kyle]

Well anyways, yesterday i lost my "life is great i love to live, and i love everything in my life" attitude, and lets say my X is back... its losing its power tho, and things are starting to build up. I'm frustrated, everyone is mad at me in my life, except i think... one of my friends, but hes so tripped up over his g/f i'm totally ignored... i wanna say end it all

[heidu]

Time for a refocus?
Kyle, your gonna have lots of ups and downs in life and relationships. Your gonna feel confused and like crap one day and better the next sometimes. Life will throw something at you and you will learn to deal with it.
Your young and you have alot ahead of you both good and bad. You'll learn alot, you'll change alot.
No need to give up, you'll miss everything that life has to offer. You can make a choice of what kind of people you want in your life and who you want to be.
Hugs,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Zenobia]

Why is everyone on mad at you? I am asking you as a way to encourage to write it out. Sometimes if I feel overwhelmed I make a list of what is upsetting me. In fact I have a file on my desk top called "What is Upsetting me". Once I list these things out I usually find that the list is shorter then I thought. If it isn't shorter then I thought at least it is out and I can start fixing things one at a time. Perhaps if you make a list you can start making things right between you and the people who are angry at you, one at a time. Sometimes if it is just too much I delete the list and tell it all to go F itself, then I dish myself a bowl of icecream and take a hot bath.
Thinking of you,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[kyle]

They are all pissed off at me, because when my friends b/f cheated on her i made a joke, i said well.... you could always dump him and date me... i meant it as a joke, she knew it was a joke, she told HIM about it, hes pissed off at me, and wants to kick the [censored] outta me. WE both work at the same place, HE told everyone at work that i'm trying to break them up, and now they are all mad at me. I'm sick of this stupid soap opera, i told my friend if her b/f is gonna be *****y all the time about her spending even a little time with me then fine, i don't have to see her, i'm used to losing friends by now.

Now the girl i was talking about before (my friends g/f) is a VERY good friend, and shes in trouble for talking to me on da phone at 3 am when she got back from the hospital. She called me the same night the other guy confronted me, and she was crying and yelling at me, and i was like you know what? and she was like what, and i was like.... i should get used to this because it ALWAYS happens to me.... always.... Stuff just builds up, and then it all comes at me at once.

In school i have 4 major assignments due, 2 of them in one class, I don't have any time between work, and homework anymore, my marks are... uhh.... not good, i don't have time, i don't have energy, and i don't know what to do about it.

Also another thing... iunno how to say it so i just will.... i'm bi. lol that sounds funny neways. Wow that is alot of stuff. Sorry for all the swearing, grammar and spelling errors, and anything else i might have done.

[Zenobia]

Hey Kyle,
This is one place where you don't have to apologize for things like spelling grammer and swearing. So just let go of that one worry.

It all sounds like a great big soap opera alright. What is up with her telling him what you said anyway? Sounds like she was just trying to make him jealous which lead to more misery for you. That totally sucks.

There is an old saying "It never rains but it pours." Why is that? Why can't things come a little at a time in manageable bits rather then 20 things dumping on us at once making us feel like we are drowning. It happens in life and it happens with our emotions. We can ignore our feelings for a long time but then finally it reaches the overload level then we feel every little emotion that we ever ignored all at once. Another good saying "The straw that broke the camel's back."

My daughter and I were talking about her day and she was talking about homework and how frustrating it is that on some days she will have no homework at all then the next day her teachers will swamp her and she has to work for 4 hours to get it done. I remember it only too well. Half of my stress nightmares feature the assignment that didn't get done and I am 36 years old. I have only 2 years to my 20th highschool reunion and I am STILL having nightmares about school. Lord what would it be like if I went to college?

Is being bi adding to your stress? I mean are you just beginning to work the concept out in you mind or is this a new revelation? Just curious. You don't have to answer of course.
Carrie

PS the other half of my stress dreams are about losing my teeth. I have a bit of a tooth fixation I guess because the thought of losing mine freaks me out.


<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[kyle]

Well, my X is gone.... again... lol. Well me being bi isn't really contributing to my problems, its just that this is the first year that i've ever told anyone. I hate the fact that everything builds up all at once, in my 3rd period class i have 2 huge assingments due, yesterday and today, and NOBODY in the class has them done yet, and my teacher won't extend the due date because we "had enough time to do it" ya right. And my friend that i was having problems with, saw me tonight, and we are talking about things right now on the phone... i have to say one thing though, i really hate The Young and the Restless.... lol