[BrokenNBeautiful]

I don't usually come here on Sunday.

But I had a bad episode today.

I did not SI in a life-threatening way.

But I started to SI again just because I had trouble understanding instructions. I have so much trouble interpreting computer words.

A tape kept playing in my head, "Billi you are sooooo STUPID. When are you ever ever going to do something right?!!!! Can't you organize something right? Gd, Billi! You dont' even deserve the name Billi!!!"

And I started SI'ing.

I have stopped.

I am okay.

My roommate came in and held down my arms.

I told him, "why the h can't I give myself the breaks I give other ppl?"

I started crying.

I am okay now.

I have been much better with my SI, but it still lurks.

And the verbal messages are still very strong.

The bottom line is, I don't feel I can ever afford not to be perfect---esp at something that is important to me.

I was loved only when I did good things or did things right.

When I didn't, I was ignored or punished or called stupid.

And it was hard work just to stay at zero.

Billi

[Sanada]

hiya billi.

Sorry to hear about relapse.

I know how tough it can be when after an episode one feels bad.

Give you're self a break and you will be OK.

Its good you have friends to help you, and the being afraid of not being perfect. We are perfect humans so you should not worry about that one...
I'm perfect if i may say so, but i still make mistakes.

Take Care.

[Sannah]

Have you talked about your past experiences with this in therapy? This would enable you to release these feelings (if you allow the feelings to come out in therapy.) Also, when you get triggered like this remind yourself in that moment that you are being triggered and that these feelings are from the past and allow them to come out but also note that you are in the present now and things are different for you now then they were back then when you were mistreated like this.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Have you talked about your past experiences with this in therapy? This would enable you to release these feelings (if you allow the feelings to come out in therapy.) Also, when you get triggered like this remind yourself in that moment that you are being triggered and that these feelings are from the past and allow them to come out but also note that you are in the present now and things are different for you now then they were back then when you were mistreated like this.

Good advice.

But I am not seeing anyone now, unless you might count my hypnotist, and my Reiki masters, which I am seeing for free. I can't afford expensive therapy and like I mentioned a while back on another board, I make "too much money" for county help.

The therapy I am getting is holistic and there's a woman there who manages the place, who knows about my situation and is givign me the break on finance that just about every therapist I've tried to see has not. These ppl are also students and are more open.

Yes, I tell them. (reiki and hypnotist)

But doing the actual work is the real challenge.

I am continually with my mentor and he knows how serious my condition is.

But it is more under control than before.

ty,

Billi