[jen29]

Hi everyone,

I first of all want to send hugs to everyone, please know I was si free for a year, and last night or night before i needed it again.

I thought i wouldn't do it anymore, i thought i was done with that and on to a different part of healing. I am going backwards and self-destructing fast and hard.

I don't want tell anyone cause am so scared about reactions. I am also hospital free since oct. 10 however i don't know if will make it a year out or not. I have a very good friend that has just been commited for at least 6 months. I don't know how to handle this. I know she doesn't care and is giving up again, I don't see a turn around this time in her. I feel how she feels, except she wants lock up and I do NOT want it....I just want , well I odnt know what want no more.

starting back again with si has shocked my system and i feel that i need to si all the time. i can't go back to how it used to be, i just can't go back there, am so afraid of starting this again, I know I have the choice to never do it again, however that is something so hard to choose. the relief that came over me was awsome and was able to make it through the moments for a while.

anyways, just venting, i have a feeling non of this makes sense and its just babble.

thanks for listening,
jen

[googley]

(((((((((((Jen))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Are you currently seeing a T? If so can you contact your T and let him/her know what is going on? It will be easier to stop the behavior now then it will be if you let it continue. Was there something triggering besides your friend being in the hospital?

We are here to support you.

[jen29]

ty
yes see t. not for 2 weeks cause took next week off.
don't call her no more no want bother her no more than
already do.

[nicoleb2]

Jen -
You say you don't want to bother your t, but i am sure he'd rather have you bother him by asking for help as opposed to bugging him by him seeing you hurt even more

[jen29]

i also believe that she needs a vacation from me. so no want bother her while i told her i needed a break. i guess just don't see reason for anyone to know
thanks.

[Confusedinomicon]

Jen, you owe it to your T to tell them. If you can, print out your opening post and show them. They will appreciate it. The earlier you tell them that you are having a problem, the faster they can respond. You said you don't want it to escalate to the point where you are hospitalized. Help them help you!

[googley]

Jen,
You are not bothering your T by asking for help. Your T will want to help you catch the slide before it gets worse. Please help your T help you. Contact her.

[jen29]

Thanks all, i will try call t on monday.

[jk2833]

Originally Posted by jen29

Hi everyone,

I first of all want to send hugs to everyone, please know I was si free for a year, and last night or night before i needed it again.

I thought i wouldn't do it anymore, i thought i was done with that and on to a different part of healing. I am going backwards and self-destructing fast and hard.

I don't want tell anyone cause am so scared about reactions. I am also hospital free since oct. 10 however i don't know if will make it a year out or not. I have a very good friend that has just been commited for at least 6 months. I don't know how to handle this. I know she doesn't care and is giving up again, I don't see a turn around this time in her. I feel how she feels, except she wants lock up and I do NOT want it....I just want , well I odnt know what want no more.

starting back again with si has shocked my system and i feel that i need to si all the time. i can't go back to how it used to be, i just can't go back there, am so afraid of starting this again, I know I have the choice to never do it again, however that is something so hard to choose. the relief that came over me was awsome and was able to make it through the moments for a while.

anyways, just venting, i have a feeling non of this makes sense and its just babble.

thanks for listening,
jen

Hi jen I'm sorry your feeling this way. I noticed your post title and believe it or not I was going to post the same!
Its been a decade or so since I've self harmed and now its back and I don't know what to do I'm in the middle of cahanging psychiatrists due to a complaint I've made,my own doctor doesn't dare **** never mind treat me without a psychs say so and I've got no therapy or support.
I'm also physically disabled so everytime I'm cutting I'm making my body worse.
Please go and see your therapist or whoever you feel most comfortable telling your thoughts to,don't ignore it address this now while you have the support
Take care
JK

[jen29]

jk2833, i so sorry for all you are going through. I wish you best of luck finding support. please let me know how things going.

i thought that i would only do it a little now that have started again, but it's back full swing. I got the news today that am getting a dog, he's 10 years old and so cute and cuddly.
I have responsibilty now so have to try take care of myself which is going to be a difficult thing to do especailly when on a downward spiral.

Jenn
I understand what you're feeling and I understand why; I do it too. You've gone so long without si; please try to control the urges. I'll be thinking of you.

[tryingtobeme]

Jen, First, sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I could be there to help you. You know how to get ahold of me to talk. Please go see T. I know you are having a hard time seeing her but please go. You really need to go and see her this week. Do you have something schedule for Wed?

[Sanada]

So sorry Jen. ((((jen)))).
It sounds very tough what you are going through. Sorry that you had a relapse. Its going to be OK though . Its good to talk. Good to share with others who are here for each other.
I do hope you're friend will be OK. You try to be strong (you/we have it in us all the time). I have been s/i free for nearly 5 months now. I'm getting help here. To be able to talk about a subject that maybe taboo in real life is crucial in healing. I have found that here and its working for me.

I hope this was helpful.
Take care of you're self.

[jen29]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts. i really appreciate them.

An update on how things are going the last couple days. The si has gotten out of control to the point have bruises on my arms now. I did call T and my spot is still open so am going to see her. I will see her Wed. I am really nervous cause this sets me back a year at least.

I am trying to have the gastric bypass surgery and in Oct. it will be 1 year since hospitalized and it would have been a year of no si too, however now i have to wait another year, now don't know if this is worth anything.

thanks again,
hugs
jen