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  #1  
Old Dec 13, 2005, 11:51 PM
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BamaSurvivor BamaSurvivor is offline
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Sunday was a month since I last used any drugs and using was my way of coping with things. Before I started using, I was an avid everyday cutter. It was that way for almost 10 years. I cut maybe two or three times while using drugs but stayed away from it for the most part because I had something else to take my mind off the pain that is my life. Well, now that I'm clean, I've resorted back to cutting. Just got home from the hospital, had to get stitches right under my left wrist from cutting so deep. Man, did they treat me like crap. Took all I could take.

I've just taken all I can take. So much has been going on in my life and I want to stay clean and sober soooo bad and I know if I didn't cut, I would have went out and used. My mom wants me to check myself back into the mental hospital because she says I'm extremely unstable. Why am I unstable? Because I cut? It's bullsh*t! Ugh, dunno what to do anymore.

Sorry, just needed to vent. Took all I could take.
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  #2  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 12:24 AM
Lexicon78 Lexicon78 is offline
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I think it's really great that you're clean now. I feel terrible that you've cut so badly, though. Is there anything we can do for you right now? People see cutting as being unstable, yes. Of course, they don't understand what else you COULD be doing.

Maybe you could try keeping yourself extra busy when you feel the urge to cut. I have to keep my hands really busy and occupied when I want to cut. I have to type, write, or clean constantly...even if I don't want to do it.

I've been a cutter for the last 15 years now and have found that keeping your hands busy is the key to staying cut-free. I also understand that cutting keeps you from doing more harmful things, too. Like if I didn't cut I'd probably be dead. Yeah, my cutting keeps me from taking a bunch of pills or worse.

Try to hang in there and stay safe. We really want you around!
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  #3  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 01:22 AM
backandforth backandforth is offline
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well 1st of all congrats on staying sober for a month! that's awesome! but as you've figured out, one goes and the other comes. it's going to stay like this unless you find a third thing to switch them up with... some other really good coping mechanism.... not just things to distract yourself w/, but something you can do to deal w/ the pain.. or trying to get away from it... do you do any sports? it might let out some anger/frustration.... do you have a good support system? I'm sorry I don't know more about your situation... I'm thinking though, someone helped you get clean, right? is this person still around? it's clearly also about maintaining staying off of drugs once you're sober, so there must be some kind of "after" care thingy??? I know it's hard to cope.... to try to find that escape. at least you know why're you're doing it. I find that this happens w/ si & my ed... if one becomes less, the other emerges to "make up"... I guess it all comes down to all of these being ways to cope, desperately, but none of them are healthy.... how do people cope without resorting to these things? I guess that's the key. do you have a T you can talk to?
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  #4  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 01:26 AM
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{{{{{bama}}}}} I'm sorry too that you cut, but very proud that you didn't use or do anything more serious. Its very hard for people who don't cut to understand us that SI...sorry to say. =/ I also have to keep very busy or lie really still when I have an urge to SI...pacing, loud music, typing or what have you. Most of the time it helps, I hope you can find something to do similarly.

Take care of yourself
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  #5  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 09:17 AM
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BamaSurvivor BamaSurvivor is offline
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Thanks for the support and responses, y'all. ((((( Everyone )))))

I've taken up kick boxing and that does help with my anger and frustration but I'm bi polar and was having a manic episode yesterday that was very extreme. Nothing was working except cutting. I hate when I get that way.
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  #6  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 10:08 AM
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((((((((((BamaSurvivor))))))))))))

Just wanted you to know that I care!!
  #7  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 01:04 PM
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{{{{{bama}}}}} =)
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  #8  
Old Dec 14, 2005, 05:56 PM
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BamaSurvivor BamaSurvivor is offline
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((((( esthersvirtue and Beautiful ))))) Thanks.

I went and seen my therapist today. She wrote a note and left it on my pdoc's desk about my anxiety, anger, and cutting. My therapist thinks it's the Wellbutrin. I've tried it before and it caused me to be extremely manic and after I got off of it, I kinda leveled out some. She put me back on it for whatever reason, thinking it'd work, and the same thing happened again. So my therapist told me to stop taking it and wait until my pdoc called for me to do anything else.
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  #9  
Old Dec 28, 2005, 01:49 PM
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mrb020377 mrb020377 is offline
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Bama.... I am sorry that I didnt see this earlier... Although I am not normally a cutter... i do pull my hair... from anywhere i can ... arms, head... whereever... I can understand you frustraion...
i am here for you
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  #10  
Old Dec 28, 2005, 02:25 PM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Bama, how about an update? How is it going for you now? I hope that you made it through the holiday okay.
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  #11  
Old Dec 29, 2005, 01:03 PM
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BamaSurvivor BamaSurvivor is offline
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I'm much better now. Got off the Wellbutrin and my body is starting to go back to "normal". Haven't cut since that night and my wounds have healed quite well. There's scars there and it's still scabbed over just a little but it's healed up good. Been staying busy so I havent really had much time to think about cutting, thankfully.
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