what is my thrill guided by??

Just curious if anyone knows the answer to the Q.

I just WISH that I could give in to my intense impulses to hurt myself ~ through biting, hitting, slamming, etc. and am curious where this intense desire for self-harm stems from. It's a thrill to imagine the pain/pleasure.

??

from what I am reading, you are asking why you would have the desire to harm yourself?

I do it because physical pain is easier for me to cope with than emotional pain. Sometimes it's the only thing i feel i can control, sometimes it is a better alternative than what i really want to do...

There are so many reasons that people SI.

"...sometimes it is a better alternative than what i really want to do..."

Perhaps that's my motivation. I find myself chomping down onto my fist, to get out the desire to cause myself pain. It isn't the intensity or self-injury that I really want to cause....but it's better than nothing.

Cognitively, I don't understand it.

Are you aware of the feelings that you are having which are causing these urges?

No Sannah.

I don't know what the feelings are. I am having so many emotions, it's hard for me to link the emotional cause to my desire.

The "thrill" could be from imagining feeling better. So, since you believe hurting yourself will make you feel better, your mind ends up associating the thrill more directly with the thoughts of SI than with the possibility of feeling better.

Just my theory, hope it helps.

There's also an endorphine rush with any addictive behaviour that reinforces the behaviour... I'm the same way that the SI stops the emotional hurricane for a bit and gives me a false sense of control over that which I can't seem to control any other way. I often also call it a "pop off" valve like on a hot water heater that releases pressure rather than the catastrophic explosion of a faulty water heater...

ED's have the same false sense of control and that is what is battled there as well. We are all eventually trying to fill the black holes or stop the emotional tsunamis... And in the end...we all have to learn how to deal with the emotions in better ways while learning to temper the behaviours as a two-pronged approach to fight any addiction.

Am I winning that battle right now? NO. But I am trying...

Don't let the "high" fool you...All that glitters is not gold.

Soothing hugs..

Wysteria Blue

I would think that it is all of these feelings which cause you distress which cause you to want to improve your mood with SI.

In order to not need the relief of SI you will need to deal with the feelings and the issues which are behind them.

All of these folks are right, in my opinion.
I myself like it because it makes me feel good,
in control again, releases inside pain.
Much love , many prayers for my SI friends!