Wanting to cut.

It's been about 6 weeks since my last SI. My T knows about it, but we haven't really discussed it properly. I usually brush it off and refer to it as something that's in the past - because I always think it is, that it's stupid and I won't do it again.

Last session I was talking to her about a night out I had last week that left me with very high anxiety - and she asked me if I'd wanted to cut. I nearly fell through the floor. I wasn't expecting her to bring it up. She never has before, not outright like that. I told her 'no', that I have to be in a 'pretty crazy place' to do it. 'Like after you crashed your car?' 'Yes.'

I'm upset tonight. For the first time in a long time I want to reach for the scalpel. For a while I'd got into a habit of cutting when I felt this way. It calmed me down, but I know it didn't really solve anything, not really. These days, if I'm thinking at all rationally, I can usually talk myself out of it. It's really only something I do now when I'm at my most desperate.

I'm not at my most desperate tonight. But I still want to cut.

Are you going to talk to your T about this?

I suppose I should, huh? I'll try.

it might be worth writing down how u were feeling to identify what has triggered u to feel this way.i got to a point with SI where i would have the object in my hand and say to myself really whats the point of this,it isnt going to solve anything longterm.
there have been times when im tempted, but the what's the point thought always enters my head.i think with si u are always in recovery and may slip up from time to time.as long as u can tell yourself ok it was a slip up and move forward then u are always making good progress and may even oneday totally stop.
i feel the hardest part is learning to identify triggers.hang in there!

The urge to cut is back again tonight. I feel like I've definitely slipped into a deeper depression this past couple of days. I think you're right Pixie, I need to pay attention to triggers. Right now I just seem to be stuck in the 'hopelessness' of the situation.

Like you say though, Pixie, 'what's the point?' I know cutting will only help me tonight, and that it'll just be another reason to be disappointed with myself tomorrow. Trying to hold off.

I gave in. Only once. One shallow cut. A scratch, really. I didn't 'need' to do it, I just wanted to. Not to feel calm, or for any real purpose, just for its own sake. I thought I understood why I do this, but I guess I don't.

I have not cut for a couple of months, though I have really wanted to.

I think it's hard to understand, at the time, why you are doing it. For some of us, it's to stop other pain (physical or emotional), for some it's control. There are so many reasons why...

Perhaps there was a reason for your cutting this time, and you are not seeing it yet. Maybe something to think about...

I'm glad you didn't do any serious damage. Figuring out triggers is hard. Figuring our our thought patterns and emotions and whatnot and stopping the urge before it starts is HARD WORK. Definitely not easy. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of some of your stuff, so that is very good. Definitely important to talk to your T about this, although it's definitely not a fun conversation by any stretch of the imagination. But it is important.

Do take care.