[NeverStoppedCrying]

I broke down again.

This morning before school.
It was going well, SI-wise, meaning I had stopped from quite a while.
About 4 weeks I think?
But it was getting harder and harder until a point where I simply couldn't stop anymore.

Hastily I did some 'razor work' this morning.
Not deep.
Not bad.
Not many cuts.

I am so sick of this.
Nobody, absolutely nobody, knows what to do with me...
Not my parents, for sure.
I never saw that stupid school counselor. She gave up on trying to talk to me after sending down one little note and not caring at all when I didn't show up.
Not my friends, even though some of them think they know what's best for me.
I have a great friend. Someone who is actually there for me. Someone who got so scared when I told her that I wanted to kill myself that she wore short sleeves to school the next day-- exposing her nasty, cut-covered arms for all to see.
She said it was 'in honor of me', and how she didn't want to ever scare anyone how I scared her.
I love her, I do, and I know she cares about me, I do.
But of course, I can only see her a few minutes at a time at school, because of her mother who decided I am a horrible person, an aboslute freak, no one to be around, someone to keep your daughter from.
My other "friends" exclude me from everything. I have hung out with them outside of school one time.
One time in the two and a half years I have been friends with them.
And how many times did they ignore me completely for weeks on end, talk about me, bully me, and treat me like I should just go die?
Countless...
But I love them, and I don't have anyone else.

I am so sick of this.
Sick of wincing in emotional pain with every I take.
Sick of every single day being something to cope with.
Sick of being so damn depressed.
Sick of walking this road alone with no one to help me.

Cutting myself.
In elementary school, it might've seemed like a 'stupid' idea. Purposefully causing yourself pain? How does that make you feel any better?
But even then, I found ways to hurt and punish myself. More minor than cutting, but just the same...
And now I live with the addiction of self-harm that I can't get through.

And I, with my blood, am screaming but no one can hear me....

Every time I look in the mirror, I see only ugly.
Ugly.
Ugly.
Ugly.
Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Better off dead.

It would be better for everyone if I was dead. It would. Those who claim to love me, they could get over it, eventually.

This is all I can say right now.

[hopefully21]

Sorry that your having a rough time but just wanted to let you know that We care here at pc you matter and your feelings too, plz hang in there (((((((hugs))))))) if safe

[res1d3va]

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. It's not a comfortable place to be when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You deserve to be cared for, and while we aren't there, others care here.

[ginger1776]

I know this sounds corny but my heart goes out to you. I struggle with SI as well, though not nearly as long as you have and I would never claim to know exactly what your going through. I hate it when people do that to me. Please hang in there. Some day you will have a life of your own. There is life beyond high school and parents. many hugs!

[Sannah]

The school counselor did reach out to you and you didn't show up? The ball is in your court. Can you make contact with her? Please don't leave everything up to her. Please take some responsibility too.

I'm really sorry that things are so hard. You deserve better. Please take care of yourself. When we don't have the best parents we do have to work harder ourselves. This is what I had to do. I certainly couldn't leave it up to my parents, or anyone else. This wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. I had to take my life into my own hands and it was a really good thing because I took myself to such a better place.