I think I figured out why (mostly ranting)

I could never figure out why I hurt myself, but I think I finally did. It used to bother me that I couldn't figure it out, because I thought it would be easier to stop if I figured out why. But I've given up on stopping. I've tried and failed more times than I can even keep count of anymore. There's no point in even trying to avoid it.

So what's the reason behind it? I want to feel numb. Thanksgiving weekend was a nightmare. That's the only way I know how to describe it. It pushed me to the point of not feeling anything...which was a very good thing. Now the numbness is fading and I'm having moments of feeling things again. Those moments remind me why I don't want to feel anything.

It feels like everything has gone wrong, or will. Nothing seems important. I don't think anybody cares, even though logically that's probably not true. Life is just one sh*tty situation after another. It never gets better. It just gets worse. There's the thought of well maybe I don't want to just stay numb forever, because then I wouldn't feel the good things either. But then I realized something...there aren't any good things. Even if there are, it doesnt seem like it beecause I don't feel them. I don't feel them because I always feel so crappy that I can't feel it. I don't care. Feeling anything emotionally really just means feeling pain.

So I guess that's why. It makes me not feel anything. I can make everything just go away....and I don't really see anything wrong with that.

Oh honey but there is something wrong with it! While i have never hurt/ cut myself i think about it all the time.

I imagine blood dripping from my body all over the floor,
The pain escaping from its cage,
My mind has been plunged into a terrible black abyss of sadness and despair,
There seems to be no end to this suffering, each day and night the same thoughts plague my mind body and soul.
The darkness is calling out whispering to me to give in to the despair, escape the sadness and end the suffering.
I imagine a long blade sharpening itself against my skin, slowly releasing my inner torment and freeing me mind, body and soul!
So i write bad poetry insted!
Just know that you are not all alone and sometimes i know there seems to be no good or the pain just overwhelming, talking about and getting help and support form your loved ones in the only way to escape the pain and get out the fog.
Im here for you if you want to talk.

Nemo: sounds like depression. Are you being treated for depression?