Punishment?

Nothing is helping, I don't want to harm but I feel the need to punish myself... None of my usual distractions are working, I'm a little scared that I can't control these thoughts...

How do you usually distract?

You need backups, or maybe just stuffstuff to keep you occupied. Exercise? Cooking? Play games here?

I usually do lots of work, draw, use red paint on my skin...
It's too late at night to cook or exercise here...

Why do you feel that you need to punish yourself?

I've always failed at nearly everything I've ever attempted. I'm constantly told I'm not good enough and the fact I feel I will never really amount to anything. Surely that calls for some sort of self punishment?
I mean my family constantly say how I'm never good enough even when I try my hardest to be a good person, but if I fail at that that must require some punishment until I'm good enough in their eyes?

But the thing with these dysfunctional families is that nothing will ever be good enough.

Children deserve this in a family: 1) to be loved for exactly who they are, 2) to be encouraged, 3) to never be shamed, 4) to be helped in their childhood development. And so on.........

What your parents do sounds very dysfunctional and spirit breaking. Distancing yourself from their "appraisals" would be a healthy thing to do.

You write that you have failed at everything. I really dislike the word fail. Everyone needs to keep trying at something and work around roadblocks in order to be successful. Sounds like you were discouraged and stopped too early. You should have been encouraged to keep trying.