[paintingravens]

I'm extremely sleep-deprived and rambling—I'm sorry, please please bear with me, and thank you in advance. I hope any of this is coherent.

A few weeks ago, I scratched in my leg a design of a tribal-like bird. It was shallow, left faint red lines the next day, and was completely gone a couple of days later. I don't really remember the specific feelings that brought it on. (This was the first time since Fall of last year, when I cut into my wrist and had also tried to leave my mind to escape overwhelming thoughts of suicide by taking a large (but nonlethal - 12) dose of Benadryl during work-study). I've wondered if the bird-carving (which I actually thought looked beautiful on my skin) really counted or if it was anything really worth mentioning since the mark that was made barely lasted a few days – not wondering, nix that, been trying to avoid thinking of it as anything bad or worth mentioning, since the feelings passed for now, and I just brushed it off as end-of-semester stress, but I don't really remember if that's what it was that brought it on, or if what did so was anything particularly important, but I guess that could just be me being incredibly sleep-deprived and not being in the best state to accurately remember information, but either way, doesn't mean that denying the fact that intense feelings had caused it, regardless of their origin, will help in any way. Or maybe I'm over-thinking this way too much. Maybe it was just impulsive curiosity after not having cut for over a year with no particular emotional motivation behind it, other than the impulsivity that can sometimes be caused by lack of sleep due to stress from school and such. I feel I should at least be honest with myself about it, but how can I do that when I don't know what it is I'm really feeling, or if what I'm feeling is anything worth validating? I'm almost 21, and for some reason, I thought I'd have this figured out by now, which, foolishly, I should've known wouldn't happen if I continued not talking about it, which is what I did. I feel very in conflict with myself, and recent events have forced me to come into contact with these conflictions again after having continuously avoided them this past year, more recently the event of my mother having read my diary from middle school through high school and finding out about my cutting, among other things.


I feel guilty for not posting on this website for months on end and not contributing to anyone else's discussion. I feel like I only bother to contribute when I myself am stressed and in need of emotional validation, but I'm too selfish or unwilling to bother supporting anyone else. I think the thought of giving another emotional support just began to tire me at some point, and I just avoided this tiring feeling by avoiding this website entirely.

I think one of the reasons I cut is to provide emotional validation for myself, a mark that, yes, you experienced this pain, and that not thinking about it does not make it any less real. It was something that was mine alone, that I control, and that it give me freedom in the sense that I don't/didn't have to share it with anyone else, and so, in not cutting for an extended period of time, I instead had to seek out emotional validation from another source, from others, which often put me in confrontational situations where I was forced to face issues in order to receive the emotional validation that I want/need. And since I've tried being more honest with others about it, it's not something that I can avoid for much longer. Especially with the holidays having arrived. Thanksgiving was difficult enough.

I've been trying my damnedest to muster up the courage to set up another appointment with our campus counselor. I think part of what's holding me back is that I don't even know what issue to approach with him first.
Advice/support of any kind would be greatly appreciated.

[Sannah]

Talking to the counselor would be a great idea. No one has ever gotten better by avoiding their issues. Dealing with the issues is the only way to move beyond them. Don't worry about not being able to support others. Sometimes a person just doesn't have any extra emotional energy. It is totally okay.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by paintingravens

I feel very in conflict with myself, and recent events have forced me to come into contact with these conflictions again after having continuously avoided them this past year, more recently the event of my mother having read my diary from middle school through high school and finding out about my cutting, among other things.

Yeah, that's what did me in a very long time ago - forced into therapy and medicated at 13. I wish I had taken advantage of therapy then. Later I went to the school counselor at college, intermittently, and never really got to dealing with any problems. I don't think I ever admitted to her that I was cutting. Fast forward ten years... Therapy again.

Not knowing where to start is easy to be afraid of, but if you make yourself a little list on a sticky note to take along as a prompt, and just force your way through it, you'll get there. Be honest. Start with your laundry list - depression, SI, etc - and then the counselor can help you figure out where to go from there. They can't help you with stuff you don't talk to them about, and it's their job to listen to people's troubles, so don't worry too much about what it is you're telling them about - they've doubtless heard it before and everyone comes to them with problems, so don't worry about being judged.