[EverythingCanWait]

This could go in many of the topics I suppose but I think it will fit more into this category.

So today hasn't been the best of days, to start with I felt so invisible when I was told by the school that I wasn't at school when I was. It's great when you were there all day complaining to people about having a day off due to strikes to be invisible to teachers even when I signed in all day due to being on a monitoring system at school (which I am now off). I then had a free lesson, I was going to use that lesson to revise for a test but ended up having suicidal thoughts through the lesson I tried to get some work down, and then when I was sitting the exam I ended up writing one side of A4 and the majority of that page was crossed out due to it being wrong. During the whole exam I had suicidal thoughts still and ended up scratching at my arm until it was red and flecks of blood started to show.

I know I must have done badly because after a quick look around most people wrote around four A4 pages and they walked out of that exam all saying 'I feel like I did really badly'. That made me feel a whole lot worse, I'm not going to lie. I then spent the next 20 minutes alone until the sixth form adviser asked what was wrong and then she basically told me not to worry because people have bad days occasionally. Except these days are nearly everyday and I get so distracted so easily. She also said that I may be working to hard towards my work when in reality I do very little due to all these thoughts.

Later on in the day this one girl in my drama group basically told me how I was acting like a child when I was telling her nicely that she didn't have the technicalities on her script which only I have as I'm the stage manager and then I ended up having a go at her, because if I'm completely honest she is a spoilt girl. She got upset in rehearsals yesterday when she didn't get her own way and she has done this every single time she didn't get what she wanted. I'm leaving at that.
The argument didn't end well lets say that.

I feel terrible, I have go to school very early tomorrow for an extra drama rehearsal, but I know what I'm like in the morning. I know that I will struggle to get the energy together to even attempt to get out of bed. I never want to leave the comfort of my own bed. I have been threatened by my drama teacher that if I do not arrive by 8am he will actually drag me into school. To be honest, if you were constantly shouted at by 15 people because what you do isn't what they want and you were only suggesting ideas then you wouldn't feel welcome in that group either.

So the reason that this is in this forum? I feel like harming. I have such strong urges to take a razor and drag it deep across my skin. I wouldn't even care how deep I'd go. I am fed up of being treated like I'm useless all the time. Thing is I can't. As I've stated I have drama, which means I will have to change from my costume (which is a dress) into my casual clothes for a day at school. It means that if I were to cut tonight there is a high chance that the cuts would be seen at some point in the day. I can't- I just can't. I don't want people to know but the urges are so big, what can I do about it?

[Sannah]

Everything, do you have a therapist?

[needfixing]

your hopeful, i validate you, your worth healing.
take care of yourself, and get some support

[EverythingCanWait]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Everything, do you have a therapist?

I have a school counsellor, except when ever I want to talk to something she says something else and I forget what I was going to say. She's not great. For the last 3 or 4 sessions I have felt worse about myself when the session ends. I think I may get rid of her in January...

[needfixing]

i don't think the school counselor is giving you the proper support you need.
seek support at a church, or go on line

[SoupDragon]

Hi Everything Can Wait - I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now - however I think it is good that you have a reason not to SI at the moment. Those urges / feelings will pass and I wonder if there is something else you can do to distract yourself? Music, TV, walking, a bath? Just concentrating on your breathing and your body.

I see a T regularly to cope with my self destructive thoughts and I know for me pressure can make them worse. It does sound like you have significant pressures at the moment,
I am not sure whether you have talked to your mum or seen a doctor about how you are feeling? But maybe it would be helpful? You could then get a referral to another counsellor or therapist.

Let us know how you get on - Soup