[EverythingCanWait]

I - I - Carolyn (my sixth form advisor) knows about the harming. Basically it all started around third lesson.

I was casually playing slap poker in the sixth form common room, as we normally do. I some how won on a full house Jacks and 8s if you were wondering. Anyway, I was sat there and Carolyn looked over at me and then I looked away, I couldn’t- I just- yeah. I looked down towards my bag and Carolyn walked over and sat by me. She asked where I was for the past two days, something very few people noticed. I nearly cried. Someone noticed that I was gone. Someone actually noticed…
I told her how I hadn’t been feeling very well over the last few days and how I had been sick for nearly 2 weeks. I told her how I could hardly get out of bed, and I hope she took the hint to expect me on a flag soon…

After that she said how my counsellor was looking for me on Wednesday. I felt so guilty. SO GUILTY. I asked her to come in and then I was the one who didn’t show up. I then said to Carolyn in a small voice “I’m thinking of quitting.”
“Why?”
“It’s getting in the way of lessons, I’m struggling as it is…”
“Maybe it can be re-arranged?”
“Mr Sedgwick said that it was the only time available for me to have counselling.”
“Oh.” … and then I gave her the report from a NHS mental health agency. I just gave it to her and she said she wanted to read it and walked off.

She walked back into the room ten minutes later and I regretted giving her that report. She knelt down beside me and to be honest I think she was quite shell shocked, she didn’t seem to know what to say. She basically said “If you ever feel the need to— Just know I’m here to talk to.” I was going to cut last night, but I’m kind of glad I didn’t now. I would have just felt insanely guilty. I still do. She said she is going to talk to another teacher about counselling though. It’s a bit not good. I have a feeling that my head of zone, this other teacher and my form tutor will find out what is in this report.

I don't want to know what will happen on Monday when I go back, but I have to admit I'm insanely worried. Also the urges to cut are getting stronger and stronger. Everyone seems to be mad at me, and all I want to do is take it out on myself because I'm obviously a huge failure in everyone's eyes.
I kinda needed to get that off my chest, sorry.

[SeaBreeze]

I don't know the history here but from reading this one thread I think you have been brave. There is no way you are a huge failure in everyone's eyes. You have reached out to someone and in effect asked for help. That is so brave and courageous. I think that people are more concerned about you as they care and would like to help you. Sending you hugs and strength to help you get through.(((((((EverythingCanWait)))))))

I agree with SeaBreeze. You are brave and you are strong. And it is hard. This world is full of terrible things, but the bravest get through and are successful. People care about you, and she wouldn't think you are a failure at all. I understand that it's hard (I started self harming today after over a month free, and I feel terrible) and I wish you the best.
~WTTJ

[elenalovesthestars]

i agree, that was so super brave of you. honestly, i dont think i could have done it. maybe ask the person you gave the form to not to tell whoever you for sure don't want to know the information, that way you dont have to worry about those certain people finding out. sending hugs and love ♥