How to cope with the aftermath of ~ stabbing myself

On Valentines Day, I was feeling so bad and with the help of my mean BF and alcohol, I took a filet knife and stabbed myself in the stomach.

Well, I had puntured my bowl and had emergency surgery.

I was supposed to go from the hospital to a facility in my area for help.

But all the beds were full.

I was released without any meds.

I look at teh scar on my stomach and it disgusts me

I use the knife everyday that I used to do it, It makes me cringe.

Im lost ........

Hi Phoenix, I'm sorry that you were at a place where you did that. Are you still with that bf? Do you have a therapist?

Yes I am still here ~ and no I dont ~ I was supposed to go to a place court ordered ~ from the attempt ~
but there were no open beds
so they tossed me outside with no meds or anything

So , here I am looking for help

I'm sorry you were in a bad place and injured yourself too. You should throw away the knife you used and get another one. Forgive yourself for this mistake and pledge to get help, in the event you have any urges again. Next time you feel unsafe, reach out for help and be patient.

Can you start with finding an Alcohol Anonymous meeting or other such group in your local area to check out for help so you don't get that upset because of alcohol again? It is hard to think reasonably when we're drunk. Perhaps from there, someone there can recommend additional resources in your community that might help you with your self esteem and the trauma from the stabbing incident.

I hope you find a way to get over it.