[agma]

I haven't injured for 3 days now, and for me, that it is a pretty big accomplishment (I was SIing a couple times a day). But, now the urges are super strong. I took Friday and Monday off work and am enjoying my time off. Normally I wouldn't think twice about giving into the urges, but I promised my husband that I wouldn't injure while I was taking the time off work. My husband worries that I SI at home because in the past, down time has been a big trigger for me. I really don't want to give in because I am trying to convience him that I could go part time and keep myself safe while at home alone.

I am having urges to break my arm. I haven't ever SIed by breaking a bone, so I know that would really freak him out. I have taken a hammer to my arm once but I stopped before I broke my arm (ended up with a large bruise). Since it was winter, I was able to hide it from my husband.

I know the urges are because I feel so out of control right now. Next Wednesday I start STEPPS, which is a psychoed class for people with borderline personality disorder. It is during the work day, so I had to take a partial FMLA leave for work to go to it. The closer it gets, the more nervous I get about it. Thankfully I have T on Tuesday, so I'm sure we will talk about the group and what to expect. Also in the last month, my husband and I went to an infertility doctor and had all the infertility tests done since we haven't been able to get pregnant. We have another consultation appointment on the 17th because we found out that we need to do artificial insemination. Between STEPPS and all the infertility stuff, I just feel so out of control. I really wish I would have done the infertility stuff before STEPPS, but it is too late now. If I don't start STEPPS next week, I would have to wait until July, and I don't want to do that as I feel I really need it. STEPPS is 5 months long, so I don't want to wait until it is over to start the infertility stuff.

All of that is going on top of all my normal work stress. I had been looking for a new job, but with STEPPS, I don't think it would be good for me to switch jobs because I wouldn't be able to attend the group. That means at least 5 more stressful months at my current job. Also, you have to be at most jobs for a year before you get FMLA leave and maternity leave, so I would be in trouble if I switched and then got pregnant right away. I HATE feeling like I am stuck!

[WePow]

Just take things one day at a time. The SI can come because we feel that we don't have the power over certain aspects of our life. I know I tend to harm my arms and hands when the stress is about work. Can you do something to give yourself freedom in those areas in a different way?

[kaliope]

sounds like youre really stressing abuot the unknown. I have never heard of STEPPS but I found this and it looks interesting. http://www.steppsforbpd.com/manual_intro.html

I went thru DBT and it helped me to regulate my emotions so much. i went thru the beginner class 3 times to make sure i really understood the process. it was only an 8 week intro course.

but one of the key things, i saw you say it somewhere, is distration. youre having those urges, you find something else to do that will take your mind off of it. a good one is to get lost it a book. that can keep you occupied for hours.

hang in there. you can make it.

[agma]

I had my first STEPPS group earlier this afternoon. I was really anxious during it and wanted so bad to injure using the staple that held my packets of papers together (I had taken it out and put the papers in a binder). The focus of the group was the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and exactly what borderline personality disorder is. I think it will get better as it continues because I will be more familiar with it and the people in it and thus decrease my anxiety. The first time is always the hardest, and I am glad to have it over with!

[Emptty]

I'm happy to hear you got at least one thing out of the way (I'm new here so I'm not too fammiliar with your story but I understand how hard it can be; fighting the urges and I'm proud that you are trying not to do it while your off, I'm sure your husband will be happy with the effort. Just remember to take baby steps, the longer you wait the easier it gets each time to wait longer and longer. Good luck

[Sannah]