[BleedingDestruction]

I am scaring myself.

Today, at church (which really seems to trigger me...) I wanted to cut myself somewhere other than my stomach, legs, and arms. I wanted something different. I'd been considering cutting my throat for awhile but I was a little afraid.

But when I held that razor to my throat, staring myself down in the mirror, something snapped. I burst into tears and carefully began making very shallow cuts along the sides of my throat where my hair would cover it. I cut at the back of my neck too. And finally, I moved to the front.

The entire time I thought how easy it would be to apply just a little more pressure. Just a little more, and I'd bleed out and die. It would be so easy. And at that moment, I really thought I was going to do it. I wondered if anyone would notice the crimson lines staining my throat and realized that no one would, and it just made the thought of killing myself that much easier.

Sometimes, when my parents get angry at me for my grades slipping a point, or being so sad I can't get myself out of bed, and they suddently act like they care about my wellbeing?! I just want to lift my shirt up, show them the countless scars and scream, "You care about my health but you don't even notice the bloodstained bandages in the trash, or how many of your razor blades are missing?" And I know they don't care. That's why I am the way I am. And that's just one of the things that led me to that bathroom in my church.

So there I am, in a church bathroom, staring at a mirror as I cut my throat and watch the crimson drip, drip, drip down, and knowing how easy it would be to just end it right then and there, because by the time someone realized I was missing, I would be dead. And my parents wouldn't even realize I was missing- no, it would be Savannah or Sister Hughes who realized I had been there for Sunday School but not Young Women's, and that as my friend- my only friend- and my youth leader, they had to find me. And by that point, even though the hospital was less than a minute away in a car, I'd be gone, gone, gone...

The feeling was so liberating.

It wasn't until I got blood on my nicest blouse that I realized what I was thinking and then I was so, so scared.

I'd never wanted to die before, but at that moment, locked in that bathroom, bleeding all over the white counters... I had. I really, really had wanted to take that razor to my throat and end it all.

[bowhunt72]

I don't have any great advice that will make things better. I'm just another guy. I cut when I get bad. I get suicidal when I get bad. I won't say I know how you feel because I'm not you and only you can know that.

What I can say is I care. People here at PC care. They have helped me and probably saved my life. We care about you, and no one wants you injured or dead. I know you don't think your parents can be a help. Who can be? Is there a relative you're close to? Do you get along well with a friend's parents? Call a hotline. I know it's intimidating, I've been scared of it too, but you need help. Call 911. I know the rush of people coming in can be scary, I used to be one of them, but it will get you help and get it fast. Walk to the hospital if you think there's no other way. But get help.

Please keep yourself safe. We care about you. Come back and let us know how you are doing.

[BleedingDestruction]

I don't think I'm going to kill myself. Not when there's a chance of me getting away from my parents in a few years... Maybe things will get better... Then again, maybe not. I don't want to die, at least, not usually.

But you made me feel okay. For a minute. Thank you.

[bowhunt72]

Hang in there. I know it's hard, I've been fighting SI and suicide really bad lately too. You're not alone. Keep coming here and let us know how you're doing.

[BleedingDestruction]

I didn't think about killing myself today, but I did cut my throat again... at church, again. I tried a few method of preventing SI, but they only compelled me to cut more. That whole use a red pen to make fake cuts? Yeah, it just made me want to cut over each pen mark. That really backfired. And snapping my wrists with rubber bands wasn't painful enough. Is there anything I can do?

[Sannah]

Hi BD, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that you are in distress. You write that church triggers you. Do you want to talk more about that? Your parents are a little oblivious? I hope to support you here.

[bowhunt72]

Hi, just wanted to check in. I've been thinking of you and hoping you're doing better. I haven't found anything that really works for me to prevent cutting. I've tried the rubber band thing, and I've also tried holding ice cubes, but nothing worked very well.

Can anyone else here on PC suggest something that has worked for you?

Stay safe and keep letting us know how you are doing.

[BleedingDestruction]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi BD, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that you are in distress. You write that church triggers you. Do you want to talk more about that? Your parents are a little oblivious? I hope to support you here.

Yeah, I tend to get upset when people start going on about how Jesus and God love everyone... Well, they sure have a strange way of showing it... I can't stand that.

[BleedingDestruction]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

Hi, just wanted to check in. I've been thinking of you and hoping you're doing better. I haven't found anything that really works for me to prevent cutting. I've tried the rubber band thing, and I've also tried holding ice cubes, but nothing worked very well.

Can anyone else here on PC suggest something that has worked for you?

Stay safe and keep letting us know how you are doing.

I've gone to therapy and been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They want to put me on Prozac, but my dad is against 'those d@mn mind altering drugs'. He's made it clear that he thinks it's my fault that I'm depressed and that if I just figure out what causing it, then I will get better. I don't know if I should take Prozac if it upsets him this much.

[WePow]

Bless your heart. Chemical depression is very real. If you need medication, you NEED it. To deny that to you is wrong! Urrr!!!

Sending you big hugs. I do get it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BleedingDestruction

He's made it clear that he thinks it's my fault that I'm depressed and that if I just figure out what causing it, then I will get better.

Your dad is correct in that finding the cause is important in order to get better. Thing is is that the family environment and parenting is what affects children so he is the cause. I also agree with him about the meds because why should he be the cause of your distress and then you get medicated for it. The better solution is family therapy and he and your mom need to assess what they are doing which is affecting you.

[BleedingDestruction]

But it's not just family. I don't really know what it is. Sometimes, my family life is great, but I just feel depressed and worthless anyways. It's just everything.

[Sannah]

Your family's behavior has affected your development and you take that with you always. People become anxious when they grow up not feeling secure. If your parents make you feel not secure sometimes, you will become anxious.