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Old May 11, 2012, 08:24 AM
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TheLokiWolf TheLokiWolf is offline
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Self Injury is a massive part of who i am. especially now. im averaging 4-5 times a week. Sometimes burns, sometimes cuts.. its a massive coping strategy for me, as well as punishment. It also doesnt help that i love the sight of my blood :/

I Just needed somewhere to vent i guess, thisll do.

Ill begin with a overcap.

I have seen my psychotherapist (T) about 3 times in the past week and a half. I had previously regularly seen her on a Thursday morning. Thursday last week i saw her as arranged, and we had a pretty hard session. I wont say what was discussed, but i will say it resulted in me completely shutting down on her. i left her office with a big sense of dispair, anger and confusion. I didnt know what to think, how to feel or how to react. I was so caught up in it, that i barely remember going home.

By sunday that week i was sinking, and fast. I made the decision to phone T on Monday to arrange an earlier apt. Thursday was just too far away. On the Monday, true to my word, i phoned her. She happily made me an apt for Wednesday. i felt relief. briefly. Tuesday night came around, and i hit a low. I had both cuts and burns. But i recovered enough.

Wednesday morning came around and i was in a stable, but low mind set. i talked with T, and we addressed all my weeks events she was calm and understanding. Which i needed her to be.

Heres the interesting part.

Yesterday (thurs) i had a considerable moment of 'no control'. i turned to my risk management plan for strategies. A drawing of an injured wolf and a good playstation sesh later. I felt like id handled myself well. I did not see what was to come.

Betrayal of Trust. A second trigger.

If anyones ever seen that movie 'A Perfect Storm' ...that storm was me inside.For those who havent seen the movie, basically...3 large storm cells collide and create a 'Perfect Storm'. well, my 2 triggers collide. My reaction? PURE ANGER. So bad was my anger, that i made the decision to leave my house at 3:30-4am (friday morning technically). and walk a considerable distance to the ER. it took me an hour. By the time id arrived there, i was tired, bleeding badly, shaking, and severly cold. numbness and adrenaline filled me. Between getting to the ER and a doctor seeing me, id gone from crazy angry, to severly depressed and suicidal. i was on suicide watch for the next 6 hours.

After talking to the Hospital's Psychologist, whom i had met once before, i was free to go. I saw T later that day, (friday afternoon) We talked. and have made the decision to see each other twice a week, and go from there. i draw her pictures every week to better show her how i feel, whether im having an episode or not.

I guess i thought id just share the story of what me and T call "my little adventure"

Im a little worried though. Sometimes i leave therapy feeling paranoid that; at any moment T is going to tell me im too much for her. i fear she'll abandon me. If she was to, it would completely devestate me, and i dont think id recover from it.

Anyway, any comments or anything, id love to hear it im in a pretty stable mood right now.

Black Wolf

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  #2  
Old May 11, 2012, 12:57 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Sounds like you have a good therapist. Trust the process. I'll keep reading if you keep writing.
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  #3  
Old May 11, 2012, 01:26 PM
Idiot17 Idiot17 is offline
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Have some similar thoughts. Im paranoid my T will drop me since i wont go anywhere else. But your T sounds expieranced and good. I've had terribly low moments - as u put it however i'd never have the courage to just walk into ER. Sounds like ur heading in the right direction. Gluck
  #4  
Old May 11, 2012, 11:15 PM
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TheLokiWolf TheLokiWolf is offline
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Thanks to both of you for your replies.

I am trying my best to make good decisions. i.have no idea why i walked to the ER. but im glad i did. I showed my T my wounds. she was shocked but understanding. its the first time ive actually shown her. She knew of my SI. i was honest and told her every time. I may bring up this fear of her abandoning me next session. i trust she can help me. And i cant imagine her betraying that trust.

Thanks again for reading and replying. it means alot.

Black Wolf
  #5  
Old May 12, 2012, 08:57 AM
Idiot17 Idiot17 is offline
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Its really good u trust your T like that and u feel comfortable bringing that up. I just would never have the courage, especially since i dont trust my T. Gluck
  #6  
Old May 12, 2012, 09:04 AM
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TheLokiWolf TheLokiWolf is offline
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Thanks ill be sure to post how i go with it. I hope one day you can trust your T or find one you do trust, its a huge help.

Black Wolf
  #7  
Old May 12, 2012, 01:47 PM
Idiot17 Idiot17 is offline
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Thnx, though that probably wont happen. Im not a trusting person. Hope it goes well
  #8  
Old May 14, 2012, 08:28 AM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by black_wolf_91 View Post
I may bring up this fear of her abandoning me next session. i trust she can help me. And i cant imagine her betraying that trust.
Excellent plan! I'll be waiting to see how it goes.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #9  
Old May 15, 2012, 04:21 PM
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TheLokiWolf TheLokiWolf is offline
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didnt get a chance to bring it up yesterday but i see her tomorrow, so i will then. Yesterday we just talked about some problems with housemates mostley so i didnt get to talk about a lot of things i wanted too.
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"Fairy Tales do not tell Children the dragons exist, children know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." - G.K. Chesterton.
*
"Freedom is Life's one great lie." - Loki
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"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight i'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - Ian Mackenzie Jeffers
Hugs from:
Sannah
  #10  
Old May 15, 2012, 05:14 PM
Idiot17 Idiot17 is offline
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Gluck for tomorrow and tryin to deal with it with your T.
Thanks for this!
TheLokiWolf
  #11  
Old May 16, 2012, 08:32 AM
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Gr3tta Gr3tta is offline
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Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you're struggling, but it sounds like you're doing a great job of working on getting better.
Thanks for this!
TheLokiWolf
  #12  
Old May 17, 2012, 03:01 AM
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TheLokiWolf TheLokiWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gr3tta View Post
Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you're struggling, but it sounds like you're doing a great job of working on getting better.
Thanks, i am trying to make good decisions. Sometimes i get a bit off track though.

I left Therapy today not worried at all about her abandoning me for the first time. We were discussing something wuite hard, and she said "were in it together through the good and bad times." I trust her when she says this...

Thanks again.
__________________
LOKI

A Lonely Soul
___________________
"Fairy Tales do not tell Children the dragons exist, children know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." - G.K. Chesterton.
*
"Freedom is Life's one great lie." - Loki
*
"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight i'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - Ian Mackenzie Jeffers
Hugs from:
Sannah
Thanks for this!
Gr3tta
  #13  
Old May 18, 2012, 01:38 AM
Idiot17 Idiot17 is offline
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Im real glad u trust her and spoke about it to her. Gluck with keeping pace for the bad times.
Thanks for this!
TheLokiWolf
  #14  
Old Jun 08, 2012, 04:55 AM
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TheLokiWolf TheLokiWolf is offline
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Member Since: May 2012
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i FINALLY brought up my abandonment issues with my therapist she said she isnt going anywhere she said where im at for Therapy does long term, and so it would be a joint decision between her and i to end it, which is not happening anytime soon we both agreed. The only other time it would be ended was if it wasnt working, at which point she would change her approach or we would discuss refereing me on to a psychiatrist or something. So now i feel heaps better. A HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. just thought id let you all know. thanks for the support!
__________________
LOKI

A Lonely Soul
___________________
"Fairy Tales do not tell Children the dragons exist, children know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." - G.K. Chesterton.
*
"Freedom is Life's one great lie." - Loki
*
"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight i'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - Ian Mackenzie Jeffers
Hugs from:
Sannah
Thanks for this!
Gr3tta
  #15  
Old Jun 08, 2012, 08:36 AM
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Gr3tta Gr3tta is offline
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That is fantastic! You were so brave to bring this up with her. I'm so happy that it turned out so well in response.
Thanks for this!
TheLokiWolf
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