[BleedingDestruction]

My iPod killed my attempt at a post so I'm not going to attempt to go into detail about what's wrong again. I'm just going to make a list. And say I do have a pdoc, but I haven't talked to him about any of this, except the attempted suicide.

1. I just cut again for the first time in two weeks.
2. I hate my bipolar meds.
3. I hate being bipolar because it reminds of me of the grandmother that tried to kill me.
4. I hate myself every time I eat.
5. Sometimes I throw up after I eat.
6. I'm really beginning to hate myself again. And I'm getting suicidal again.

I need you guys to talk to me. None of my friends can handle this and I can't afford to tell my pdoc. I can't fail my family again, and I can't go back to the hospital. I just can't do it again.

[Puffyprue]

like i say i do care, pm me?

hugs

[OctobersBlackRose]

I may not know you, but i do care and you can pm me also hugs

[eskielover]

Sadly, bipolar is an inherited possibility & unfortunately, we always seem to inherit the things we don't want to inherit.

I definitely understand your dislike (hate) of psych meds. Even though I am not bipolar, I think I was put of every possible psych med that existed back in the late 90's & the side effects were the worst possible experiences I have ever had along with the dislike of feeling like a guinea pig they could just try anything on. Side effects where my joints just stiffened up over night in the hospital after being given a new med to try, then another side effect was like having parkinson's where I couldn't even walk myself into the bathroom or feel myself with my hands. The migraines became 24/7 & I'm still being treated for them.

I struggle with anorexia from stress that makes me feel sick.....I hate to throw up, so I just don't eat when I'm feeling sick.....but I do get into the place where I can relate with your hating food.

I went through the suicidal period for about 6 years.....pdoc & others couldn't comprehend how I could think of act that way.....I didn't understand it either, but it was definitely the way I felt. I lost count of the number of times I landed in the psych hospital....but I also understand for me, many times it felt like a prison until I found a private psych hospital where my pdoc & psychologist practiced in....actually that was where I initially got assigned the best possible pdoc I could have had at the time.

Life definitely doesn't feel good or fair & when bipolar hits with the different swings, it makes it even worse than just having the constant depression that I had.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. Wish there was some magic wand that could make it all better. Sometimes we just have to work bit at a time to find what really works. I know that patience isn't a trait that I am good at, but unfortunately dealing with mental health issues, patience is all that can get us through.

Talking through your thoughts & emotions can sometimes lessen their negative effect on us. Keep posting & getting feedback here as much as we are able to help....there are wonderful understanding people here at PC & feedback is also very helpful in helping us get through the very rough times.