[Mike_J]

June 3, 2011 I took a X-Acto knife, put a knew blade into it, cleaned it with alcohol, then cut the middle finger of my right hand along the side. It was a deep cut almost to the bone, cut through an artery that runs up the side of your finger (on purpose) it bled profusely (also done on purpose). It was deliberately done just to the point were I wouldn’t have to go to a doctor. That is all very bad, but there is some good news, sense then I haven’t engaged in any SI.

But all things aren’t all good, I recently tried to throw away my X-Acto knife but just couldn’t. Don’t plan on ever miss-using it again but can’t seem to get up the courage to toss it out.

[ickydog2006]

It took me around two years of no cutting before I got rid of my blades that I kept in my purse. And about 5 years before I was willing to let go of my safety pin. Even at my friends house I knew if I threw them away I'd resort to digging through the trash to get them back. When I was finally determined to give them up, I gave them to someone who I hurt by cutting and told them I was sorry for scaring them and breaking my promise. Then I gave him my film container with my two blades and told them I knew that I couldn't throw them away myself and asked for him to take them and throw them in a trashcan that I didn't know about.

[Gr3tta]

I am really sorry you felt you had to do that Mike. I hope you are taking care of your hand.
It can be really, really difficult to get rid of that favourite tool. It's one of the biggest steps you can take in symbolizing your commitment to stop harming yourself. I like ickydog's suggestion of giving the tool to a friend to get rid of it, when you're ready, if you can't get rid of it yourself. One thing you could try as a first step? Put it somewhere really inconvenient. Like behind a beam in the attic, under the spare tire in your car, outside tied to a tree, under boxes in the basement, etc. This way it takes a few minutes to retrieve it, and gives yourself some time to stop and think about whether cutting is really what you want to do right then.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you'll continue to feel better.

[purplerose123]

There is hope, I used x-acto knives years ago. I even had a blade in my shoe when I was admitted to the hospital and they never even found it. After a week, I just gave it to them and told them how stupid they were. LOL. I have not harmed myself in about 10 years now. I am not gonna say I haven't thought about though. I didn't want to hurt my kids by them knowing I did this. I tried to put focus on others to try to take it off of my personal pain. I have grown through all of this, but it is not easy to get through. Therapy, and finding new ways of coping are invaluble. Sorry that you are going through this pain.

[Mike_J]

You know I did a bad job of explaining this in my initial post, I just went through 1 year of being SI free..

It was June 3rd, back in 2011 that I last cut myself...

But thanks for everyone's thoughts and well wishes...

[Idiot17]

god, im impressed. how on earth didya achieve that? keep on going, adding another year and another! gluck

Mike, start over. that is all we can do. i almost made it two years.
sending safe hugs