Falling Apart at the Seams... Just Plain Desperate.

I'm falling apart at the seams...

I just don't know what to do with myself or the people around me anymore. I suppose being bipolar, I should understand that I'm going to get depressed, although, this isn't the typical depression. I'm too active and angry. But I keep defaulting back to suicidal thoughts and self-injury.

I thought I had beaten it. I thought I was free of it. But I guess two weeks of success are all meaningless now. Three days ago, I ruined my success with self-injury. Two days ago, I spent an hour seeing how many cuts I could fit on my stomach. One day ago, I spent an hour seeing how many cuts I could fit on my upper legs. And I thought I was feeling better.

Then my dad went all ****ing PMS on me, and my family sided with him, of course. He screamed at me about how my way of thinking was wrong and that I needed to think more like him. He's supposed to try to be understanding. I don't understand why he's like this.

I guess it's my fault anyways. I shouldn't have upset him. And then instead of acting hurt, I acted self-righteous. So I really have no one to blame but myself. But I ended up in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, crying. I contemplated killing myself so many times. I mean, I could have; it would have been too easy. But instead I ended up hugging a towel sobbing uncontrolably. ...It's pitiful that I'm so desperate for someone to just hug me that I turned to a damn towel for support.

I just need some support, but I'm not getting it at home. And that's my fault too. I should trust my parents... right? No. I mean, they always blow things out of proportion and shove my mistakes in my face. I don't have to take all the blame for everything. I don't want to do it anymore. Look, now I'm learning. ...it's summer. I got enough homework as it is.

I have nowhere else to turn but PC. My friends are not allowed to contact me or they have no desire to; my family is... well, they're themselves. They don't understand and they don't want to. They want my problems to be in my head, so that I can fix myself and stop needing a pdoc. But I can't provide that and it's tearing my home apart. I have no way to contact my boyfriend... the only person that's ever made me feel beautiful, and school... Ha! Are you kidding me? Those jerks hate me.

I feel like right now, PC is keeping me clinging to life by a thread. And really, I owe you guys a thanks for that. Because telling myself its going to get better isn't enough to keep me sticking to a life where I don't feel wanted. But here, I feel wanted. It's nice not to be afraid to be honest. So thanks. And sorry for the rant/whine session.

You don't deserve this, BleedingDestruction, & it's not your fault. A good 80% is the bipolar disorder at work--and disorder it certainly is.

Keep in mind that what you are dealing with is (at best guess) a problem of chemicals being in the wrong proportions in your system. Odds are fairly good you got that way with a little help for your genes ... which means a genetic connection. Your family is not, in all likelihood, an example of 100% ideal mental health themselves.

It's taken all your life for your family to become as disfunctional as it is. You all probably need some help figuring out what's really going on, and it's never what anyone thinks it is.

Try, please, to hang onto the fact that this can get better ...
But it will take time, and you may be the most capable person there to keep your cool and get help for yourself, finding first of all a way to "let go" of them so that they are not able to get to you, or "trigger" you, so dangerously.

Please post offen. all you want as much as you want--it's one of our favorite sports . Do it with gusto and get it ALL out!! You are so important, and getting out the anger/frustration is one of the first steps to healing.

Roadie

But this isn't how mental illness works. It is slow work and recovery. There isn't any now you have it and next week you don't. If you look at it this way you are going to get disappointed and depressed.

Exactly, you got your mental illness from your genetics and the environment that your family provided for you (environment triggered your genetic disposition) so yes, they are the ones who are "driving you crazy".

Do you have a therapist?

I do have a therapist. He's really great, but without my family's support, things are pretty tough.

Are you a minor? Is your therapist willing to work with your family too?

I'm fifteen, and my therapist talks to my parents everytime we meet, but he can't make them do anything.

Does he explain their role in your problems with them?

My parents have very selective hearing...

I can't believe your dad actually said, to just think or be more like him. That's like a scene from a movie. dude.

I want to bonk your parents over the head.

Yeah, I thought that too. I didn't really think about it until after I stopped being upset.

I want to too sometimes.