[FloatLikeAButterfly]

I used to cut in 6th grade, but i stopped when my mother found out and yelled at me, which ended up making me feel even worse, but i did stop.

But my depression and panic attacks have gotten so bad......every time i have a panic attack i hate myself, im so angry with my self....so the other day, i had one and i was so mad after calming down amidst my tears i grabbed my razor and attacked my upper arm and shoulder.

I felt so guilty afterwards, and i had never done it so deep i was scared, but somehow proud i punished myself, and somehow also felt relief.

Im just worried, i wont be able to control it again, that was the first time since 6th grade....i mean i would take scolding hot showers to feel the pain, or "accidently" burn myself cooking or ironing, because i PROMISED i wouldnt cut, but still needed an outlet......and i never break promises.

Im just really upset i did. And worse i went swimming, and my cousin and sister noticed, but they just thought it was cause i fell into my desk (which is what i told them), i dont think they are suspicious at all.

At least i hope not.

I just dont know what to think or what to do.... :/

I was on a rollarcoaster, then when i stopped i was at the top- now am i rolling down again?

[Gr3tta]

I wouldn't think of it as a roller coaster. You don't have to roll back down again if you don't want to. Believe in your ability to stop it now! Right now, while you're feeling bad about having done it, try writing down all your reasons not to. Then the next time you feel like hurting yourself, you can refer to it. Can you think of some better ways to relieve stress? If you get the feeling you want to lash out a lot, could you hang a punching bag in your garage or basement? Do you have a friend or family member you could talk to about this, so you could call them when you're feeling bad?
Are you receiving treatment for your panic attacks? This is something that should be addressed. You shouldn't have to fight these alone. Can you contact a counselor, therapist, or doctor regarding the panic attacks and depression? If you are already in treatment, can you discuss this with your treatment provider? They can help you learn ways to avoid hurting yourself in the future.
Please take care. Thank you for sharing this.

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

I should make a list, what a great idea!
However, i find myself just reading the words- somehow i cant get things to sink in.
And ive tried everything to relieve stress, but i stand in my own way.
I have a friend, but she just gets mad at me for it, and says "youre beautiful, you dont need to be doing that" which is sweet, but when you dont feel beautiful, already feel bad enough, and theres so many other reasons you do it- it just doesnt help....they dont understand....
No, my parents keep saying no to me seeing someone, they give excuses, or shrug it off, or ignore it- but i dont know how to make them understand i need it, without hurting them, like it did when i told my mom in 6th grade.....she ws sooooo mad, she wouldnt even look at me.....
My school councelor knows, ive only seen her twice regarding my suicidealness, (i dont think its a word, sorry)as well as the panic attacks- my teacher made me go, she listens to me vent alot, and is so fantastic, im blessed to have her.
And thank you for your reply (: