[dreamer62604]

You know how my parents found out, well because of that I found a new place to cut. A new place for me at least. My thigh. It actually hurt more than usual....it was weird. But in a good way. Well, not really a good way...I guess not...to me...I don't think I'm making any sense anymore. I am so lost. I just want to run away. I even dreamed of running away. Just getting in my car and driving until I can't drive anymore. That would be good. Damn, this sting is great. I love it. IT's the only way that I know I'm alive. The blood, the pain. It lets me know that I am alive. I'm done now. Goodbye

<font color=green>I smile because I have no idea what's going on.</font color=green>

[PlanningtoLive]

Dreamer, don't sink to the level I am at right now. Believe me, it is not a good place to be.

My thighs are so badly scarred that pants bother them when I walk. The marks are so hideous.

Driving away doesn't help either. Been there, done that. Almost did it again.......but haven't yet.

I know how addicting it is to cut, to see the blood and to try to feel anything that shows you are alive. STOP IT before it is too late, before you end up where I am right now. I don't believe you want to die.......you need help and understanding, not death.

Please stop cutting, figure out the problem and work on fixing it. Blades won't do that for you, I know this.

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

Dreamer,
Do you have a list of things to try to do to calm yourself BEFORE you cut? Right now it sounds like all you depend on is cutting. That is a road to no where because though cutting helps in the moment it never solves anything, it just creates more problems. Like alcohol. If you are not trying other things you will not have the oppurtunity to discover more about yourself which in turn helps to pull you out of this pit you are in right now.

I know how it is hard to do anything else when you get wound up and feel as if you need to cut but lets come up with a list of things you could possibly do before you resort to cutting. Mary Alice is right, the scars cause a lot of pain in themselves. Here are a few things I do. Hopefully other people will give some of their ideas as well. I don't do all of these and sometimes I am not able to do any but I try and every time I have tried I have gotten a little better and a little less likely to cut.

<font color=blue>Take a hot bath:throw in a hand full of sea salt, 7 drops of bergamot and 5 drops of rosemary essential oils. Both oils are antidepressents and the sea salts will help draw toxins out of your body.

<font color=green>Go for a run/walk: I like to go to a park called Snake lake. It is a wild life refuge and is nicely wooded. There are other people there so I feel safe by myself but not so many that they keep me from being alone in the woods. I started by walking but over the years I have worked up to running. Excercise is an anti-depressant and as you start get stronger physically there is pride in accomplishment. If you are already in good shape keep it up.

<font color=blue>Journalling: I write down all the pukey blackness I am feeling. I will write volumes of it. When I feel well I write nothing at all.

<font color=green>Meditate: I can't meditate, when I feel crappy my mind is usually racing and I can't slow my thoughts. I have learned however that I CAN sit on a pillow and stare at a wall. I will sit there 10 to 20 minutes looking for all the faces in the the wall. It is amazing how many blobs and swirls actually look like faces. I guess it is kinda like looking at the clouds and seeing what shapes they look like. In the process of looking for the faces I find that my thinking does indeed slow down and I become more relaxed. Another thing is coloring. I have a coloring book with extremely intricate pictures. They are animals with more animals and designs within their shape. This delicate coloring helps slow my mind as well.

<font color=black>These are a few things that help me. What are things that you try to do?
Carrie<font color=purple>

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette