[ickydog2006]

I drew a butterfly on my wrist last night and named it Becky after my best friend, and it's who I least want to disapoint right now. I've been bad and haven't been taking my meds regularly. I don't want to tell my hubby (who is away for another month or so) because he will worry and be upset with me.

TRIGGER

The meds and stress have been really hard on me lately and I just want to feel okay, just for a minute. I'm scared to tell others how close to losing it I am. Lately I don't even care about possibly throwing seven years down the drain. I want to write obscenities all over my body, because that's what I feel like right now. I want to scream and show my pain, but don't want the reactions from others, or maybe I do, I don't know. I want blood. To taste it and feel it's warmth cascading down my arm. To lose myself in it. To feel nothing. I have some extra anxiety meds, but I've been taking them more lately and I'm worried I'll run out before I finish my move and get another doctor. I'm so tired. I know I should go to church tonight with the rest of the family, but I really don't want to. I don't want to see people. I just want to sleep.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

I drew a butterfly on my wrist last night and named it Becky after my best friend, and it's who I least want to disapoint right now. I've been bad and haven't been taking my meds regularly. I don't want to tell my hubby (who is away for another month or so) because he will worry and be upset with me.

TRIGGER

The meds and stress have been really hard on me lately and I just want to feel okay, just for a minute. I'm scared to tell others how close to losing it I am. Lately I don't even care about possibly throwing seven years down the drain. I want to write obscenities all over my body, because that's what I feel like right now. I want to scream and show my pain, but don't want the reactions from others, or maybe I do, I don't know. I want blood. To taste it and feel it's warmth cascading down my arm. To lose myself in it. To feel nothing. I have some extra anxiety meds, but I've been taking them more lately and I'm worried I'll run out before I finish my move and get another doctor. I'm so tired. I know I should go to church tonight with the rest of the family, but I really don't want to. I don't want to see people. I just want to sleep.

You really sound in trouble, and that concerns me. You may or may not be able to keep from cutting, but the risk isn't worth it. If you are home alone, I would encourage you to either have a friend that can stay with you or call your therapist and tell them that you are in danger. Once you start cutting again, you may not be able to stop. If you don't have a therapist at the moment, you need to get one ASAP. I see you are moving. See if you can find a therapist in the area you are going to before you get there. The worst time to have to find one is when you are in crisis. If you have to put the move off for a short time, so be it. Its not as important as your life. If your husband really loves you, he will support you even if he doesn't understand why you do what you do.

Be careful with your medications. Its easy to overdose accidently when you are desperate to stop your pain. You aren't weak or worthless. I know it feels like that sometimes. The fact that you have reached out should tell you that you want help and don't want to SI. I understand your wish to be by yourself. My friend's family is coming over today. (We live in the same house). I'll be hidden away in my room literally all day, unable to face them. That makes it sort of hipocritical to tell you to push through and go to church tonight, so I won't. This will sound backwards, but sometimes I think we go through what we do so that we can empathize with others. One of the tricks I use to explain to myself why i have to go through all of this.

Please don't give in to your urges to SI. If you want to, you can use my message box if you just need to talk. i will check it through the day.

Sam2

I don't know that most people can understand how we can cut ourselves. It seems twisted to them and scares them.

[ickydog2006]

I went over to a friend's yesterday but didn't go to church. I'm at my parents right now. Thankfully I'll be set up with a therapist when I get to our new base, but until then I'm kinda SOL.

[Sannah]

What has been causing your stress and pain (if you don't mind me asking)?

[ickydog2006]

A lot has been being in the middle of a move. My husband is in the military and we had three weeks notice that we needed to move, he had to be at a training thing and we didn't know where our next base would be. It's been three months living with my parents with our two year old. I did get to fly to see him for thanksgiving, and today he set a flight to come visit in a few days. We'll figure out what we are doing from there. It hasn't helped that there has also been mucho family drama on his side during this.

[ickydog2006]

Also, I've been stressed about whether I want to learn how to shoot, since I have the opportunity right now. I'm scared though since I almost commited suicide with a gun I stole from my mother. I want to be able to protect my family and myself, but I'm scared of what I could end up doing.

[Sannah]

I'm hoping that your situation stabilizes ASAP with the moving and being seperated from your hubby.

Sounds like it wouldn't be a good idea for you to be around guns IMO.