[wildflowerchild04]

So this is bizarre but it has bothered me literally all day so I feel like I need to come somewhere and write about it.

I spent about six years cutting, from age 14 to age 20. It got really bad at two different points, each culminating in a suicide attempt. I was hospitalized thirteen times over that time, spent time in the state hospital for adolescents, six months in a psychiatric group home, and ended my high school career in an alternative school for emotionally disturbed students. directly after high school I went on a year-long journey of self-destruction that I refer to as my lost year, because I remember so little of what happened (i never did drugs or drank excessively, I just dissociated constantly without any control over it). At the end of that year, I attempted suicide, nearly succeeded, got ECT treatment (it was that or go to the country state psychiatric hospital, which is considered the second worse in the state), and spent six months in a women's trauma treatment program. But the only reason I managed to overcome my illness was because I met my husband at the time too, and he did not allow me to continue wallowing in my pain.

So I recovered. I got off all medications during my last hospital stay six years ago, and I haven't cut myself in almost six years. Except that's a lie, I did cut myself during a down period about six months ago, but it wasn't anything like I used to do (i had to make it look like a cat scratch so my husband would not suspect) so I don't really count it. But last night I had a vivid self-injury dream. I will not go into triggering detail, but it was graphic and seemed real.

and now it is ALL I WANT TO DO. which is insane because I'm not upset! I haven't been severely depressed for an extended period of time for six years. Six months ago I had a two-month bout with depression that was the worst i've had since my recovery, but it went away. But i know this is directly related to my new job. I am teaching English in a high school for kids like I once was; kids with behavioral and emotional disorders. I teach the worst of the worst - the only kids more out-of-control are hospitalized. I started on September 1st, and since then my anxiety (which is always present) has increased exponentially. It has nothing to do with the students; I understand them and where they are coming from, so I take nothing personally. It is the administrative stress of being a special-ed teacher. I have to write IEPs, lesson plans, teach to the new Common Core standards, and maintain a communication with everyone's parents/guardians - I HAVE SEVERE PHONE PHOBIA and i can't even think about calling strangers without getting sick to my stomach, so it's going to be fun on friday when I have to call six possibly hostile parents.

Every single day I can't tear myself out of my head. I keep going back to when I was in a group home, when I was in the psych ward, when I was angry and sullen and so depressed I couldn't eat and couldn't even remember where I was most of the time. AND DAMMIT I WANT TO CUT. I just wish I could without repercussion. But if my husband saw, and of course he would, he would flip the hell out. He would threaten to commit me (though he could not legally) and at the very least force me back to therapy through threats of divorce and removal of our two year old son. At least this is what I believe, even though his anger has been SO much better since he started taking Celexa for his own anxiety. I even considered today that since I have to wear a wrist brace for carpal tunnel, I could probably hide the cuts under there, and only take it off at night in the dark. But I would be too scared that he would see, so I won't.

I just don't know how long the flashbacks and dreams are going to last. I can't quit my job, it's where I feel I belong. I love these kids, I want to help them as best I can. I just don't want to feel this anxiety all the time. and i don't want to have these dreams.

I just wanted to talk. don't worry about replying. i feel a little better anyway :-)

[Sannah]

You need to be in therapy so that you can work through this stuff. A therapist can help you with calling parents. I think that these kids are triggering you. You can work through this with a therapist.