[gon3withth3wend]

I really swear I feel pretty good. These past few months (July and on) I think I've had an overall better mood than I had for the entire previous school year. Mind you, I've had lots of exceptions, but I spend more of my day feeling neutral than extremely down, and I've been thinking about suicide and death a lot less than I normally do. (I normally can't go an hour without thinking about sui/death, but it only crosses my mind a couple times a day now.) I'm not seeing a T now, but I feel relatively good for myself.

For some reason, I've been self-harming way more than when I would define my overall mood as being a lot worse. The past week, I've been cutting at least twice a day if not three or four + times. I tell myself I won't do it, or I'll tell myself I'll only make two or three cuts, and then it turns into more. I put sharp objects in my car and in my nightstand, and have been fighting the urge to put them in my school bag. I try to remind myself of all the reasons not to do it, but it doesn't work. If I try to do something else instead, I'll get upset. The thought of not cutting makes me feel... empty. I've cut more this week than I ever used to in months. I know the right thing to do is stop, but I have trouble telling myself to do that. I have no idea why I feel the need to do this so much if I'm not as sad as I used to be.

[Miswimmy1]

its a coping mechanism. you get relief from cutting. so you feel more in control, and less overwhelmed. it also released endorphines (idk how to spell it). its a vicious cycle. but the relief is short lived. and in the end, the resulting feelings are worse than before, which is why you desparately try and cut more and then you hurt and then you cut, and it goes around and around.

why do you no longer see your t? if you are having sui thoughts all day, then that is a reason to stay in therapy. you wont be able to quit cutting until you solve the real issue underneath. and a therapist can help you do that.

[agma]

For me, I figured out a few reasons why I cut just as much, if not more, when my mood is pretty good. One is that it is a control thing. Sometimes I don't feel like I have much control of anything in my life, so I cut because I can control it. Another reason is that cutting is very addictive. Another reason is that I've been depressed so long that it has become familiar. Feeling neutral or pretty good is unfamiliar, so that causes me to cut. If you are able to go back to your therapist, it would be good for you to talk to them about it.

[greyclouds]

I used to burn if I was too sad/ angry or if I was to happy/ excited. I had to get thro this by myself and no longer self harming, the tempt is often there but it does fade. Keep strong speak to your t and you too can find the freedom from it

[gon3withth3wend]

I understand where everyone is coming from. In all honesty, I would like to go back to my T (It's been 3 months). The reason I am not seeing T now is because I went on a trip for a couple of weeks this summer, and I was supposed to get back on her schedule when I got home, except my parents decided that T would be a waste of time, and I should focus on my studies instead. Last year, I was doing poorly in school because I was so unhappy, and then I started to feel even worse because I was doing so poorly. My parents are afraid that our time and money could be better spent elsewhere, at least until after I retake my SAT exams and first quarter ends. So I won't be able to go back at least for another month. Then "we'll see" depending on how much progress I make in applying for college. I tried to reason with them, but I think they only have good intentions.

I also lied to my T about cutting because I didn't want her to tell my parents about it. I don't think my parents know. They've noticed I keep lots of sharp objects around, but never ask why. It's kind of something they shrug off, and I'd rather not have them find out - which is another reason I really wish I could stop soon, because I'm running out of places to cut that are easy to hide, and the places that are difficult to hide are easiest to get to. I'm not really sure how to go about pushing getting back in therapy. If it makes sense, I kind of want them to feel like I need to go. When things were really bad, my parents were proactive in making sure I got therapy. If they don't think I need to go, then why should I.... if that makes sense?

[Sannah]

You need to be in therapy and you know this. How can you convince your parents to get you back in?

[gon3withth3wend]

My parents are pretty firm that I can't go back until the end of October, and that is under the condition that I finish a good fraction of my college applications. I just need to write a few essays is all. I'm already weeks behind based on the timeline my parents set up for me, but I'm sure everything will work out the way it is meant to in the end.

[Sannah]

Hmmmm, I'm curious how they view therapy? Is it a reward for getting stuff done?