[clairebear2k6]

hi i am new to this forum but used to be a memeber of a different one, about seven years ago, when i was very badly depressed. it helped me a lot and i eventually got well, and have been well for those whole seven years. consequently, i have not self harmed for seven years either. this is mainly due to two things - being on medication, and having children. my life has changed so much for the better and i just deal with things now. sooooo, why am i thinking about 'it' again?
this is what scares me. certain life events have taken place in the last two years. my mum died from cancer pretty quickly and there was some family **** going on around that time - my brother was refusing to come and see her having not seen her for eight years. he never came and didn't come to the funeral. since then i have cut him off pretty much. so i lost two family members there. me and my mum were close and it has been utterly horrible to lose her. add to this that my son has been critically asthmatic for four years of his five on this earth, forcing us to hospital every time he got ill, which was usually every month. his asthma has got worse recently and he was very ill last time he was admitted. i honestly thought i might lose him. then there are his other problems which look like adhd and learning difficulties, which has recently driven my husband out of the house because he cannot cope with son's tantrums. you must be getting the picture by now that it seems like my life is conspiring to **** me up again.

yes i recovered. yes i am a survivor of an illness. but you know, the illness never went away and i know that full well. it only takes the right combination and duration and intensity of life stressors to put you right back where you were.

so here is the thing. the last few weeks i have had several urges to cut that frankly, scare the **** out of me. i don't want to go down that road again. but while my husband, who didn't lose his mum to cancer last year, didn't survive depression, is swanning around at my dad's having a break from things, I am here dealing with it all and facing the reality of a real breakdown. he has never broke down in his life. it makes me so mad.

i am the vulnerable one. i don't get to go stay with my dad. i don't get a break.

and to top it off, if i die, which could happen, god forbid, he will send my son away to trinidad or into care, because he couldn't cope. yes he has told me that.

sorry. i'm having a really rough time. actually, i think i had a really rough life.

thanks for listening anyways. x

[Sannah]

Hi Claire, this does sound stressful. Is your son's asthma from allergies? Can you get a therapist to help you with your grief?