As I have written a few times on PC today, the last few weeks have been hard on me emotionally, because I have managed to fail at everything that I have done or attempted to do, and today it is coming out full-force. Yesterday, I bought some books to read, and when I started them today I found that I can’t seem to understand them, and my tolerance for my stupidity and incompetence is near its limit.

Although the last time I SI was in March, I not only feel the desire to SI right now, I feel I deserve to be punished and hurt for my incompetence, which is the nature of my extreme perfectionism. It’s not just a coping mechanism, I feel I should do it. All these failures and losses are unacceptable of me. How stupid and worthless must I be?

People tell me I am intelligent, lovable, and that I am not a failure, but where does this fanciful assessment come from, because all I see is failure, rejection, and loss? Where’s the success? What have I succeeded in?

If I am not a failure, how come I can’t make friends? How come I can’t understand these books? How come I fail in school? How come I fail at chess? I fail in everything but I am successful, wonderful, intelligent, and lovable. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense…

I feel like I am a failure and that I am worthless, unlovable, and repulsive.

I hate who I am. Why couldn't I be someone else?

[puzzclar]

I'm in a similar spot. I hear every single day that I am smarter than my sister, but I don't believe that I am as smart as people think I am. How else to cope, well I just try and study as much as I can.

[Sannah]

We all have our areas where we can excel and areas where we won't excel. Don't give me any math to do because I won't succeed. But social science, now that is my area. Don't ask me to be artistic, because I'm not good at that at all. But baking, I can do that very well. Venomous, I know there are areas where you excel. From reading your profile it looks like you also like social science. And I'll bet you know a lot about spiders and photography. What were the books about that you were trying to read?

[Detia]

Sometimes I feel like I'm incompetent and I get very upset that even though others can see my intelligence, I don't seem to be able to flip a switch to make things any easier.

Something that I have learned is that we make who we are each and every day, sometimes we have to work with who we are right now in order to reinvent ourselves but it can happen. It just may not happen in a way you expect it. Try to do things that you truly enjoy doing, do things that make you happy and thrive. We do better at applying our intellect if we have fun while doing it. Maybe reading comprehension isn't your shtick, I'm not sure what is, but there certainly is more out there!

I find sometimes I'm intelligent when it comes to new social situations. I'm on the ball, give the right, and ask all the right questions, and my perception of who a person is can be off of the charts. Sometimes this doesn't work, and when it comes to the people I'm closest to I lose that kind of almost 'psychic' quirk. It's very frustrating. If I have a good sense of empathy, how come I can't tell how so-n-so is feeling?

Regardless, you don't deserve the pain, dear. You are an amazing person, even if you don't feel it right now. You have gone so far without harming yourself, see how well you can do by taking it one day at a time.

Try some breathing exercises when you have trouble reading the book, perhaps. Or if there are any other hobbies or interests that you've been curious about or had fun with, try those!

Honestly I love reading, but I have a hard time with comprehension depending on the writing style, content, where my head is, how crappy I feel that day, what kind of music is playing, where I am... All of these can play a part in how well I'm able to understand the books. There are some books that I find I have to read the page 5 times before the words finally sink in and it's like an 'OH DUH!!' moment. Some books I HAVE to read out loud to understand, even though I really don't usually struggle with reading. Some sentences are just not put together in a way that my mind understands.

Anyway... I hope things clear up for you soon, Mr. Venomous. I know sometimes the past can be hard to shake off. Every morning is a new chance to try something fun.

Good luck to you!

If you were someone else, you wouldn't be as awesome as you are now.