[dreamer62604]

I am sorry for all the triggering things that I have posted here, especially recently. I am sorry for a lot of things, things that I don't know. That doesn't make sense, but nothing does right now. I am so lost. Anyway, I am just sorry that I have come here and post, and...well make people worry. People I don't even know, worry. Wonder if I'm ok. Well, I'm not ok...but I am surviving...thus far. It seems as long as I keep busy, I can keep going. When I stop, that is when the bad comes. I know this. If I am at work, or school...then I am not thinking about my demons. It distracts me, but as soon as I am in my car on the way home...they come back. And they stay until I am able to go again. I know that you all only want to help me. But I am beyond help at this point. At least help that I can get online, don't even know if I can get help in "real life." This is why I think I will leave. I am planning on leaving at least. I really don' t know...anyway...

[b] I'm alright...I'm alright...it only hurts when I breathe... [b]

[Zenobia]

I have read that one of the biggest factors in self injury is isolation. I believe it is true. Self injury is not a party thing, you just don't do it when your are in the company of other people. I use this knowledge to help me. I look forward to work, to being with other people because I know I will be safe. I am working on using that knowledge to create an invironment where I will be less likely to self injure. I am learning to call people, to bring them into my home when I am feeling off even if it just over a little wire. I come here because I am with people and both my hands are busy. It is when I am alone that the cravings become unbearable and the dark thoughts start to swirl.

Dreamer, you are not beyond help. I know it feels that way but it isn't true. It is your sadness talking. There is always the possibility of getting better. Yes we worry, but don't blame yourself for that, take it as a positive. We care about you and want you to get better. If we care about you enough to worry and we have never met you, just think how much your friends and family worry and care. You are an important person. You deserve the best, please keep trying to get better because you can get better and life can be good.

Look at what you have to look forward too. Didn't you say you wanted to be a teacher? Think of all the kids who will look up to you and who you can influence. I remember my 5th grade teacher best of all. He was funny and caring and laughed when we brought him dead flowers planted in a tin can in gooey mud. He is a bright spot in a childhood filled with pain. He gives me something that I can look back on and remember and feel happiness. That is what you can give someone else. But only if you don't give up on yourself. You can get help, you can get better. You are on your way already. You have looked up from the injury and recognized that it is when you are alone that it gets worse. This is a step forward, if you can take one step forward you can get better. It is going to take a long time but it is time well spent.

Please don't leave us, please keep posting. I want to continue to get to know you, continue to see you grow. But even if you can't continue to come here, please don't give up on yourself.
Carrie