[HowToBeMe?]

I want to live and I want to die. I'm just trying to figure out which desire is stronger.

My eyes are stinging with sleepiness, but I can't bring myself to go to bed.

I'm so very hungry and so very full and so very lacking the will and desire to eat.

I want to run away and be free and happy. Where would I go, how would I survive?

I know myself better than anyone else ever could, but I don't know myself at all, and that's very scary.

I want someone to help me, to hold me, to love me, I want to be alone, by myself, in the dark, for forever.

I want to live, and I want to die. Which desire is stronger?

[Sannah]

Hi HTBM, welcome to PC. I will continue to listen...........

[gabmux]

Originally Posted by HowToBeMe?

I want to live and I want to die. I'm just trying to figure out which desire is stronger.

My eyes are stinging with sleepiness, but I can't bring myself to go to bed.

I'm so very hungry and so very full and so very lacking the will and desire to eat.

I want to run away and be free and happy. Where would I go, how would I survive?

I know myself better than anyone else ever could, but I don't know myself at all, and that's very scary.

I want someone to help me, to hold me, to love me, I want to be alone, by myself, in the dark, for forever.

I want to live, and I want to die. Which desire is stronger?

Wonderfully written...am starting to wonder if what U have described is the new normal. "Don't give up 5 seconds before the miracle."

[puzzclar]

couldn't have said it better.

And Welcome to PC

welcome to PC- hope you feel better.

[retro_chic]

I feel the same way and unfortunately I can't offer you any words of wisdom. Just know that you are not alone.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by HowToBeMe?

I want to live and I want to die. I'm just trying to figure out which desire is stronger.

My eyes are stinging with sleepiness, but I can't bring myself to go to bed.

I'm so very hungry and so very full d so very lacking the will and desire to eat.

I want to run away and be free and happy. Where would I go, how would I survive?

I know myself better than anyone else ever could, but I don't know myself at all, and that's very scary.

I want someone to help me, to hold me, to love me, I want to be alone, by myself, in the dark, for forever.

I want to live, and I want to die. Which desire is stronger?

Sometimes what we want is not so much to die, but for the pain to stop. It seems the only way out of a situation that is causing so much agony. When you are that depressed, it is hard to ask for help. No one seeks out therapy when they aren't depressed, and when they are, it is the worst time to try and find someone.

Depression turns you inward, making your whole world very small. All your thoughts turn inward, as does your pain. Sometimes its too hard to describe to anyone else.

You are right, knowing yourself, yet not knowing yourself is very frightening. I've spent the better part of the last four decades inside myself, analyzing what I do and have done. Wanting to be a part of the world, but too afraid to go there. There have been times when I've looked in the mirror and been terror stricken that there is a part of me that might be violent. Knowing that it isn't true doesn't help.

The fact that you are here says that the larger part of you wants to live. Once we are no longer children, we feel that we can't have the same kind of comfort we once knew. Being held, having someone tell us its ok and being able to believe that. We are told that we are too old for that sort of thing, when in fact, we need that same comfort as badly as we did when we were children.

Some of us don't know how to ask for help directly and wonder why no one else seems to notice the pain we are in. For some, counselling can be very helpful because you are revealing your pain to someone who has no stake in you. You aren't judged by a counsellor, or told you are hurting the rest of the family or any other things that people who are close sometimes say. You are in control there too. If there are doors you aren't ready to open, you don't have to. If you feel uncomfortable there, you can leave.

The important thing is to not give up. Suicide doesn't really end problems, it causes them. We want to escape the pain, but in doing so, leave those behind with a tremendous amount of guilt, anger and saddness. They don't understand why they didn' t notice something or couldn't help. Its not easy to hang on when you feel so bad. Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time and try to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sam2