[mistyeyed]

apparently I haven't signed in for a year. I suppose that was appx the last time I cut. I've managed to change environment and into my own place, which is what everyone recommended since my parents' home was so abusive. I'm mostly just confused, considering this was supposed to make things better (moving) and not push me over the edge to point of breaking my year long record. I tried and tried to avoid it.. I wrote in my journal, threw myself into work but all that did was prolong the inevitable. I wish I could afford therapy, but here I am instead. I can't believe I cut again.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by mistyeyed

apparently I haven't signed in for a year. I suppose that was appx the last time I cut. I've managed to change environment and into my own place, which is what everyone recommended since my parents' home was so abusive. I'm mostly just confused, considering this was supposed to make things better (moving) and not push me over the edge to point of breaking my year long record. I tried and tried to avoid it.. I wrote in my journal, threw myself into work but all that did was prolong the inevitable. I wish I could afford therapy, but here I am instead. I can't believe I cut again.

Misty,
cutting is an entity all to itself. It can disappear for years and then come back, or never come back again. Depression is by definition anger turned inward, and for some of us, that means cutting or other forms of self punishment. There are portions of religious groups that do that in a ritualistic manner, such as monastaries where monks practice self flaggelation, but I don't think it comes from the same place.

Somewhere along the line, you discovered a way to temporarily disapate your depression and anxiety by cutting. It almost always gives temporary relief to feelings of being trapped, severe depression and self hatred. It doesn't last though, and you wind up thinking even less of yourself because you couldn't control yourself or stay your hand. I've had it go away for as long as ten years and then come back so visiously that it scared me. The only way to beat it is to find out why you have chosen that mode of coping and figuring out some other way of coping. That means therapy. We are good at hiding things from ourselves that are too painful to deal with. Therapists make you face those things. If you suspect or know that opening those doors is likely to cause cutting, then you need to either be treated in a safe, inpatient enviornment, or have someone who can stay with you during therapy.

I know its disappointing when you think its over and you have made all the changes that you have, but don't let it stop you from moving forward. You can overcome it, and there are some medications that help, and needing help to stop it doesn't mean that you are weak or a failure. You can do this.

Sam2

[mistyeyed]

Originally Posted by Sam2

Misty,
cutting is an entity all to itself. It can disappear for years and then come back, or never come back again. Depression is by definition anger turned inward, and for some of us, that means cutting or other forms of self punishment. There are portions of religious groups that do that in a ritualistic manner, such as monastaries where monks practice self flaggelation, but I don't think it comes from the same place.

Somewhere along the line, you discovered a way to temporarily disapate your depression and anxiety by cutting. It almost always gives temporary relief to feelings of being trapped, severe depression and self hatred. It doesn't last though, and you wind up thinking even less of yourself because you couldn't control yourself or stay your hand. I've had it go away for as long as ten years and then come back so visiously that it scared me. The only way to beat it is to find out why you have chosen that mode of coping and figuring out some other way of coping. That means therapy. We are good at hiding things from ourselves that are too painful to deal with. Therapists make you face those things. If you suspect or know that opening those doors is likely to cause cutting, then you need to either be treated in a safe, inpatient enviornment, or have someone who can stay with you during therapy.

I know its disappointing when you think its over and you have made all the changes that you have, but don't let it stop you from moving forward. You can overcome it, and there are some medications that help, and needing help to stop it doesn't mean that you are weak or a failure. You can do this.

Sam2

thank you for your response, i appreciate it

[Sannah]

You have gone a year without SI so I think that moving out did help. Recovery does include slip ups. Do you understand what caused you to SI?