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#1
Jul 10, 2006, 11:45 PM
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Does it ever make you feel good just to hold the knife and not cut? I'm a knife lover. I don't know if that's from my x-love of cutting or what... i dont cut anymore, but i still want to and i still miss it. i asked my friend for a knife to cut open a box, but he knows me well enough to know that i used to cut and i can be pretty suicidal. So, he wouldn't give it to me and opened the box for me. But I don't know if i wanted to cut or just stare at the knife... anyone have that happen before? just to hold such a powerful item would feel so good
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#2
Jul 10, 2006, 11:52 PM
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It's dangerous. That's how I slip - I decide that I just need to hold my knife, and I get it and lock the bathroom door and curl up in a ball in my spot underneath the counter. I might think that all I need is to hold the knife. But then I want more, and start thinking it's not such a big deal. The next time I find myself hiding under the bathroom counter with a knife, T said that I could call her. At that point, I'm not sure that I would care, but I hope that I will be able to remember.
Rap
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg 
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#3
Jul 11, 2006, 01:46 AM
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mmm maybe you're right. i miss it so much... i switch a lot in personality though... iin a way. not like multiple personality disorder bc i know it happens. but like right now if u've seen x men 3 im the pheonix. i am angry and unfeeling and dead.
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#4
Jul 11, 2006, 03:26 PM
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I can see where you're coming from. I no longer cut, but I still like to play with razor blades (which freaks people out.) It's like by just holding the blade I remember some of the comfort I got from cutting without actually having to do it. Can definitely be the start of a slippery slope though.
__________________
 "I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn. "If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba 
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#5
Jul 12, 2006, 06:16 PM
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I don't dare play with them. Sometimes I will just stop and gaze at razors (and staples) but I'm betting if I tried to hold one I don't think I could hold back. I can hold staples though and will just sit there almost petting it but that is as far as I dare go. And even then I try to stay away from staples unless I'm in public and keep them away from my arm.
Touching just makes me miss it more. I don't feel like I hold power I feel it's power get a hold of me.
__________________
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. |
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