i think i did something to my head...

the weeks kind of blur together but not long ago i was up late with my husband - the baby wouldn't sleep and had been up all day too - and i couldn't take it anymore. i closed myself into the bathroom and started pounding on myself. it sounds so silly and stupid when i put words to it, but it's like banging your head against a wall, only with my own fists and slapping myself. it doesn't hurt as much as it should. but i don't want to actually cut myself, and i bruise so easily on my legs and arms.

the next day, after hardly any sleep and after doing that to myself, i was extremely dizzy and couldn't see straight. i thought it was just from no sleep, but now i know i must have done something to myself. since then, it's kind of been like on worse days i'm still dizzy and shaky. i have no idea if i gave myself a concussion or what.

that time, i just wanted to die. i felt like if i was going to do this to myself then i might as well try to do a good job of it, i guess. so i don't think i held back much. but i just remember hitting myself.

i've had a migraine the last couple days but i don't think it's related. at least, i don't want to. there's not much i could do about it except take some tylenol. we don't have insurance so i could get any kind of scan or even an exam.

a lot of the time, especially lately, i've just wanted to not wake up. my husband could easily find someone else who'd love our kids, and would probably be a much better mother.

but unless i just don't wake up, i know i won't outright kill myself...

it just hurts so much when i'm awake.

It's probably all just stress. Even if you did give yourself a concussion it wouldn't have been severe at all. All i can say is try to get some rest and don't hit your head again. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad

It does get better, the first year of baby was hell for me. I feel the same way about dying. The pain of life seems so not worth it. Ard you on meds at all.

i was on meds for a short while after the baby was born, but after three months they stopped working and i couldn't afford them anyway. he's 6 months now. i think he was just teething or had bad gas. he's normally a great baby.

this is my second child. i was a lot worse with my first, haha.

you're probably right, it's just stress. it's hard to rest with two little ones running around though, and stressing about going back to work and about the finances and everything. i have started getting a head ache every time i think about all the things i should be thinking about but don't because it's just too much...

So your dizziness and headaches are better?

I read your profile and a few of your other posts. I'm sorry about how your mother treats you. You deserve better. I can support you here.

You mentioned wanting counseling. Have you looked into non profit/government supported counseling (United Way/sliding scale)?

thank you for your support. i don't talk to my mother anymore so things are much better, haha.

i still get dizzy when i turn my head too fast, but i'm thinking that my glasses are way too old and i need new ones. bad/broken glasses can make you pretty dizzy.

thank you for reminding me to grab an application to the counseling center i tried to go to last year. it uses a sliding scale and with our income i fit in the bottom level so sessions are really cheap. last year, though, we had some financial troubles and couldn't afford therapy and food so we opted for food. we still have the same income but with tax returns, maybe i can afford it now.