Rotting..

aren't my outsides pretty? look how much i'm smiling.. yet i feel like i'm rotting..i am EXTREAMLY angry, EXTREAMLY upset...you think i really trust you? how the **** could i? ive been drugged, poisoned, nearly drowned by my freind when i was 4 she thought it would be funny. hell, she was laughing the whole time...i was trapped in this wooden shed when i was 7 by the bullies barricaded in...they set it on fire...im just glad the shed was falling apart, i managed to hit some boards loose and get out, nearly strangled to death....hit to many times to count dragged around by my hair, my mom used to not feed me, i used to steal food or beg when i was 5 i had this abusive teacher she encoraged the class to do the same she REWARDED them,i was not allowed to cry or smile i would get hurt worse, "what right does a freak have to be happy" and HELL maybe i don't i don't really know, she had me locked in a mental hospital when i first defended myself this girl had pushed me off the swing had me pinned to the ground she was going to punch me i caught her arms and bit
ive been punched in my stumach so hard i gagged blood beaten unconsis IM ANGRY. WHY AM I A FREAK... what did i ever do to you guys...why.. sometimes i feel like i hate everyone sometimes i wonder why i don't just hurt them as much as they have hurt me if im really such a monster...i cut, bite claw slam myself into things, rip at my hair, burn, stab,well lots of things...ive been self destructive since i was 6 suicidal since i was 8 but the suicidal attempts started more at15 a near success at 16 my freinds finding me nearly dead on the floor....they saved me...sometimes i wish they would have just let me die...sometimes it feels like everything hurts...all the way from being touched..to just interacting with others....i dont react to phisical pain eather i dont feel it or i dont allow myself too...

but

smile

like anyones ever cared like i truely matter

im nothing but a freak

I care about you! you are not a freak, you have just come across a whole load of bxxxxds in your life, you have the ability to be a great person, what others think of you is irrelevant, it is what you think of yourself that counts. sounds to me that your environment is detrimental to your health and well being, being vulnerable attracts bxxxds, you have to give the impression you can cope and are a strong character..strong not violent. you need to protect yourself from harm, not cause harm to yourself, you need therapy to help with this as there seems to be a lot to work through, it will not be easy, but well worth it, a worth you deserve.
i had a lot of bxxxds in my life too, but have rebelled againstthem by cutting all contact moving away and building myself a life which does not involve bxxxds any longer. any that cross my path are told in no uncertain terms where they stand and what they can go if they cross me!

everyone deserves a chance of hapiness, give yourself that chance x

Hi Gemini, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. Do you have a T? I'll support you here.

I'm sorry so many bad things have happened to you. I don't think you are a freak, just someone who has a lot of people hurt you in the past. You seem overwhelmed, and I hope you find some good things in life to make you feel better. I hope you find people that won't mistreat you and I hope you find help to deal with all of these tragedies.