[beadlady29]

so liek beads used to have a serious problem sith sh....................then a old T
helped us to stop...................................well that was a couple of years ago adn this is now.............we have not had no T far liek 2 and a half months and last week we sh again................and now its all we think about.............
we do have an appt. with a new T schecueld far next week, but dunno how in teh world we is gonna keep from doing this agin until the appt.,,,,,,it is only 4 days away tbut that sounds liek a lifetiem away.....................
tryign to taek it one day at a tiem,,,sometime one minute at a tiem,,,staying online ALOT otherwise workign onn beadwork in hopes of distrafting ourself but the thoughts are always nkindsa just rite behind the front of our mind.......bout ready to pull what is left of my hair outta my head it driveing me nuts.......how can we keep from gettign back into this harmfull pattern.................again................????
mary

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by beadlady29

so liek beads used to have a serious problem sith sh....................then a old T
helped us to stop...................................well that was a couple of years ago adn this is now.............we have not had no T far liek 2 and a half months and last week we sh again................and now its all we think about.............
we do have an appt. with a new T schecueld far next week, but dunno how in teh world we is gonna keep from doing this agin until the appt.,,,,,,it is only 4 days away tbut that sounds liek a lifetiem away.....................
tryign to taek it one day at a tiem,,,sometime one minute at a tiem,,,staying online ALOT otherwise workign onn beadwork in hopes of distrafting ourself but the thoughts are always nkindsa just rite behind the front of our mind.......bout ready to pull what is left of my hair outta my head it driveing me nuts.......how can we keep from gettign back into this harmfull pattern.................again................????
mary

Mary,
forgive me if I don't catch onto the short forms of computer language, the kind you use in texting etc. Guess I never learned.

Right now, it sounds like your job is protecting Beads. I know that both of you are thinking about self harming, but can you put yourself into a mindset that will allow you to hang on through protecting Beads?

Yes, thoughts of self harm can be very difficult to gain control over once they start. They are a little like a snowball rolling downhill. Sometimes you don't even realize you are thinking about it, then realize its been on your mind all day.

Do you have a friend that you trust and can tell what is going on to? when I think of self harming, I give any sharp objects that I have been thinking about to her. Usually there is one or two objects that you routinely use to self harm with, and if you can get them out of the house to a place where you cannot reach them, it may give you some time.

What happened to both of you in the past was horrible. However, none of those things were either of your faults. Those things were done to you. You did not ask for them and neither did Beads. Don't punish yourselves for something that someone else did. If you had a friend who was beaten or raped, do you think your friend would deserve to be punished? My guess is that you would never tell someone who had been victimized that it was thier fault and they should be punished. That is what you are doing to yourselves though.

Can Beads tell us a little about how she feels?

Sam2

[astenon]

Oh Beads. I'm sending you big and thinking of you.

I look through all the messages you post on here. you are so loving and caring to all those people who need your kind words (me included). Try to turn those kind words onto yourself and try not to punish yourself for the events in the past that were not your fault.

[beadlady29]

AWW Astenon,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs far u too my dear sweet freind........................it is liek so hard far nbeads to just be kiind to hersefl.............dunno y..............
thakn u far careign so much abuot us,, it is really nice to have someoen in uor corner!!!!!!

[beadlady29]

Hi Sam,
ummmmm beads not really have no freidns she can trust
anyways, we try to anser ur questoin.
we feels sad, lonnely ashamed adn scaird. we dont liek us very much even tho we no we tries uor goodest to tret others w/ rewspect adn kindness......teh way beads wuold liek to be treted but never is. it reaally hurteds bad that ppls catn seem to treat us wiht the saem respect we give them just becuz we diffrent then them it not fair. adn it make us hurt adn want to cry but we cant cry no moer. so we hides in uor littel bead room in uor lonely trailer adn that hurts too that nwe has to.life really stink nrite now. were prolly gonna get kick uot of uor trailer come april adn we scaird abuot that to.

[avlady]

I feel for you and want to let you know i do care about you-i don't know how much that would mean to you but your situation does scare me a bit because you could hurt yourself, and maybe one day you would not have another chance. please know i'll pray for you

[astenon]

Beads, i'm so sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. Its no wonder you're feeling so bad. If its any help remind yourself that you are a far better person for treating people with respect than those who dont respect you will ever be. I hope that made sense.
I am thinking of you

[beadlady29]

deav avlady,
it actualy mans vwery much to all of us beadies that u tell us that u care about us.............it really does!!!! however we is not tryign to scair u.......beads not want to mke nosomebody worry that was not uoe intentoin. beads sorry far that. it is really somethign that u shuold care soooooooooooooo much! God bless yuo dear freind if oklkay.............
all of us beadies

[beadlady29]

(((((((((((((((((((((((astenon)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
God bless u to astenon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u r so kind........ummmmmmmmmmmmmnuthign make much sense to beads rite now, sorry,,,,,however that is not ur fualt................we is just tryign to keep put oen foot in front of ohter rite now.........................

ty and sendign hugs ur way,
mary

[avlady]

Originally Posted by beadlady29

deav avlady,
it actualy mans vwery much to all of us beadies that u tell us that u care about us.............it really does!!!! however we is not tryign to scair u.......beads not want to mke nosomebody worry that was not uoe intentoin. beads sorry far that. it is really somethign that u shuold care soooooooooooooo much! God bless yuo dear freind if oklkay.............
all of us beadies

Thank you for your reply, i did not want to make you feel bad, i'm sorry, and i still will always care,just so you know!!

[beadlady29]

(((((((((((((((((((((avlady)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hugs
hugs
adn mo0er hugs!!!!!!!
u aer swuch a dear sweet sweet lady adn we thunkeds u nice good freind too!!! it is hard to find a friend what cares like this. beads tell u we care abuot u to adn iffen u ever neede someoen to talk to we wuold be her far u 2.
peace,
all of us beadies

[beadlady29]

p.s. ummmmmmmm avlady just want to aslo tell u that u have kidn of maked uor day adn put a smile on our face!
moer hugs,
all of us beadies

[astenon]

Beads,
There is no need to apologise. I've looked back at my post and it really didn't make much sense. I may be English, but my English is terrible at times. Sorry. I'll try to put it another way.

You treat people with respect.
They don't treat you with the same respect.
To me, you are a much, much better person than they are.
I would much rather have you standing next to me, than any number of those idiots.

I hope you're feeling a bit better. I'm thinking of you.

[beadlady29]

dearest astenon,
wow dear freind!!!!!!! that has got to be abuot oen of teh nicest thigns anybody has ever said to beads...................adn we beleives u mean it ttoo!!!!! beads thunkeds she has found a really special, kind freind in u.................and tell u we would rather have u standign next to us than them not so nice ppls. to.
respectfully urs,
all fo us beadies