questions...(possible trigger)

Ok, so I have been cutting (surprise, surprise). And my mom asked to see my cuts, she thinks that the other day at the shrink i said i had 17, at that time i had 13...now I have 16. Luckily she didn't realize that some of them were new. She asked me to show here all my old "areas" and then checked to see if i had any new ones, which I don't. I hate this, I mean I don't understand why I do it. I just want to keep doing it tho, and i'm afraid that the number will increase. When i'm doing it i don't feel like it's me doing that, it's like i'm a different person...in a trance or something. i dunno, i'm just rambling, because i'm so lost. anyway...

Later days..
~Dreamer~

[b]<font color=blue> How very empty is my soul, it is a soul that feels no thrill, it is a soul that could easily kill...--Cake[b]<font color=blue>

You're not rambling, I understand you perfectly.

When I do (did) it, I seem to lose contact with my surroundings almost - all I see and focus on is what I am doing and waiting for "it" to appear.

I had 19 at one time, my pants used to rub on them while I walked and made it hurt more - I enjoyed knowing that I had caused that to happen (stupid, huh?)

I once held something up to my throat and made a few cuts - when I snapped out of it (a back-up generator coming on startled me) I was horrified to see what I was holding and what I had been doing. Scared me big time. I kept thinking what if.................... So, yes I understand about the trance thing.

You're doing it because you have problems that need to be worked out - feelings that are being suppressed and have to be acknowledged. I'm not a shrink, but I have way too much experience in this area not to have some of what my T tells me rub off onto me.

You have two choices (or at least I did): 1. you can figure out what is wrong and deal with it - express the emotion and work thru it, or 2. you can suppress it all and shut down emotionally.

Unfortunately (?) I have chosen #2 simply because it is easier for me and I function better this way. It isn't the right way though.

Please take care of yourself and pick #1, okay?

Mary Alice

Thank you mary alice. I haven't actually tried to kill myself, at least not intentially, i took some pills once, but i wasn't trying to die. i was just in a lot of pain and wanted it to go away. oh well, i know, when i cut this morning i just focused on it, and nothing else. it's weird, like i'm one person, then a completely different one. i have surpressed these feelings for a long time. however, some are beginning to creep to the surface, and i am finding it harder and harder not to let them flow out. *sighs* I dunno, i'm really good at keeping everything in (hence my stomach problems) and letting it out is too scary for me to think about even. I mean, then I would actually have to deal, and that scares the crap out of me. I just don't know anymore. anyway, ramble again..thanks for the advice, and take care.

~Dreamer~

[b]<font color=blue> How very empty is my soul, it is a soul that feels no thrill, it is a soul that could easily kill...--Cake[b]<font color=blue>

You're ahead of me, dreamer. I was on my way to end things and my T intervened and I was hospitalized for it overnight. I am on the edge most of the time, hence the very open line to my T 24/7. He knows if I call him, I am very close.

Yes, you do become two different people. As those feelings get closer, you'll get more anxious and more stressed. I know, I'm there most of the time. I can't deal with my issues.........I have a closet in my mind and all my problems are in boxes, labeled. That door stays locked, although my T has pushed my buttons a few times.

Anytime you want to talk, let me know.

Mary Alice

There are many other ways to achieve that trance state. My favorite is running because it gets me in shape as well as having me attain that trance state. I just focus on my breathing, it is a meditation/self hypnosis thing after which I feel no guilt.

I find if I do something that takes high levels of concentration I trance out as well. I get sucked into this one thing and all else fades away. Counted cross stitch is excellent for this. Also when I work on the numbers for my book ordering at work or when I check in orders at work.

Menial tasks are good too. Dusting in particular. I can slip into trance as I ritually remove all the objects from a shelf, dust, then put them all back, lining them up just so. People at work don't understand why I love to dust so much. I have to wait until there are other workers in the store with me because having to break in and out of the altered state is hard on the system. If I have a co-worker there I can zone out for an hour at a time.

Try to find activities that you can fall into. Sometimes the smallest thing you do can be used in this manner like brushing your hair or making the bed. I guess it is like meditation, the more you practice the easier it is to access it. I have been learning how to use my particular mental foibles to my advantage rather then banishing them. Cutting helped me to learn to connect to that trance state. I decided since the trance is what I wanted I would find other ways to attain it. As I get better at it the less I cut and the more I get done because the things I do to attain the state are productive.
Carrie<font color=blue>

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette

Well have you admitted to thee new ones or are you still trying to handle it your self
I learned this the hard way that you cant run forever sometime you just have to face the facts and your parents will find out at some time