i make myself do it

over the past two-three weeks(i think) i have been cutting everyday. i keep doing it. i partly have no idea why i do it, but i MAKE myself si...at least a little bit as long as it draws blood. i really wish i didn't force myself to do it. even the nights when i am tired and really don't want to hurt myself, i still do it. i have to do it. maybe it's because i want to prove something to myself and others. doing it somehow increases my self esteem. i feel strong when i do a "good" job of cutting myself, even if they are weak and superficial. it's like if i don't do it for a day,then i would be proving to myself and others that i am really weak and don't deserve help if/when i choose to get it. i also feel that if i stop or do it too shallow then people will be disappointed with me. i am not as good as i want to be in certain areas of my life such as my soccer skills, so si is a way too deal with and counter those feelings. i may suck at soccer but i don't suck at si....much. i have also been purposely trying to trigger myself into cutting by looking up graphic si photos on my phone. i know it's bad, but it helps me a little to get in the mood.

thanks for reading this ! it means a lot to me...even if y'all don't reply

--Sam

hi sam, i just wanted to say that i can really identify with you. im going through pretty much the exact thing right now, and i know its hard. hang in there ok? cutting can be a very bad addiction. you dont have to prove to anyone that youre strong, because you ARE strong if you're on this site looking for help

thanks November Blue, i really appreciate your kind words. it is also somewhat of a relief to know that i am not the only one who feels this way.

hugs, Sam

Yeah I know this feeling well... Honestly, it doesnt matter how good you are at sports. Try realizing that its the fun you have playing soccer that matters. I was never the best at the sports I did as a kid, and being very competitive, it didnt work well for me. Soccer is a lot of fun! Try focusing on practicing and getting better instead of cutting. Who knows, maybe you'll go places someday!

I wish I had good advice for you. Self harm is a coping skill. When you start doing it, it becomes your skill to cope with everything. Just like alcohol and drugs for some people and food for others. I wish you strength in dealing with your problems. I haven't been doing so good myself recently. I hope therapy helps me. Maybe one day you can find a therapist. I stopped for 8 years the last time I went to therapy. It helped to talk to someone that could help.

thanks Adam! you are sooooo strong and i KNOW you will make it through all the tough stuff you are facing and will face in the future. i think that it is really good that you are going to therapy. if only i had the guts to ask for help... and congrads on 8 years of no si! that is truly admirable.

i sincerely hope that things start getting better for you.