[dreamer62604]

Ok, so I have been cutting (surprise, surprise). And my mom asked to see my cuts, she thinks that the other day at the shrink i said i had 17, at that time i had 13...now I have 16. Luckily she didn't realize that some of them were new. She asked me to show here all my old "areas" and then checked to see if i had any new ones, which I don't. I hate this, I mean I don't understand why I do it. I just want to keep doing it tho, and i'm afraid that the number will increase. When i'm doing it i don't feel like it's me doing that, it's like i'm a different person...in a trance or something. i dunno, i'm just rambling, because i'm so lost. anyway...

Later days..
~Dreamer~

[b]<font color=blue> How very empty is my soul, it is a soul that feels no thrill, it is a soul that could easily kill...--Cake[b]<font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

You're not rambling, I understand you perfectly.

When I do (did) it, I seem to lose contact with my surroundings almost - all I see and focus on is what I am doing and waiting for "it" to appear.

I had 19 at one time, my pants used to rub on them while I walked and made it hurt more - I enjoyed knowing that I had caused that to happen (stupid, huh?)

I once held something up to my throat and made a few cuts - when I snapped out of it (a back-up generator coming on startled me) I was horrified to see what I was holding and what I had been doing. Scared me big time. I kept thinking what if.................... So, yes I understand about the trance thing.

You're doing it because you have problems that need to be worked out - feelings that are being suppressed and have to be acknowledged. I'm not a shrink, but I have way too much experience in this area not to have some of what my T tells me rub off onto me.

You have two choices (or at least I did): 1. you can figure out what is wrong and deal with it - express the emotion and work thru it, or 2. you can suppress it all and shut down emotionally.

Unfortunately (?) I have chosen #2 simply because it is easier for me and I function better this way. It isn't the right way though.

Please take care of yourself and pick #1, okay?

Mary Alice

[dreamer62604]

Thank you mary alice. I haven't actually tried to kill myself, at least not intentially, i took some pills once, but i wasn't trying to die. i was just in a lot of pain and wanted it to go away. oh well, i know, when i cut this morning i just focused on it, and nothing else. it's weird, like i'm one person, then a completely different one. i have surpressed these feelings for a long time. however, some are beginning to creep to the surface, and i am finding it harder and harder not to let them flow out. *sighs* I dunno, i'm really good at keeping everything in (hence my stomach problems) and letting it out is too scary for me to think about even. I mean, then I would actually have to deal, and that scares the crap out of me. I just don't know anymore. anyway, ramble again..thanks for the advice, and take care.

~Dreamer~

[b]<font color=blue> How very empty is my soul, it is a soul that feels no thrill, it is a soul that could easily kill...--Cake[b]<font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

You're ahead of me, dreamer. I was on my way to end things and my T intervened and I was hospitalized for it overnight. I am on the edge most of the time, hence the very open line to my T 24/7. He knows if I call him, I am very close.

Yes, you do become two different people. As those feelings get closer, you'll get more anxious and more stressed. I know, I'm there most of the time. I can't deal with my issues.........I have a closet in my mind and all my problems are in boxes, labeled. That door stays locked, although my T has pushed my buttons a few times.

Anytime you want to talk, let me know.

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

There are many other ways to achieve that trance state. My favorite is running because it gets me in shape as well as having me attain that trance state. I just focus on my breathing, it is a meditation/self hypnosis thing after which I feel no guilt.

I find if I do something that takes high levels of concentration I trance out as well. I get sucked into this one thing and all else fades away. Counted cross stitch is excellent for this. Also when I work on the numbers for my book ordering at work or when I check in orders at work.

Menial tasks are good too. Dusting in particular. I can slip into trance as I ritually remove all the objects from a shelf, dust, then put them all back, lining them up just so. People at work don't understand why I love to dust so much. I have to wait until there are other workers in the store with me because having to break in and out of the altered state is hard on the system. If I have a co-worker there I can zone out for an hour at a time.

Try to find activities that you can fall into. Sometimes the smallest thing you do can be used in this manner like brushing your hair or making the bed. I guess it is like meditation, the more you practice the easier it is to access it. I have been learning how to use my particular mental foibles to my advantage rather then banishing them. Cutting helped me to learn to connect to that trance state. I decided since the trance is what I wanted I would find other ways to attain it. As I get better at it the less I cut and the more I get done because the things I do to attain the state are productive.
Carrie<font color=blue>

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette

[cougar90002001]

Well have you admitted to thee new ones or are you still trying to handle it your self
I learned this the hard way that you cant run forever sometime you just have to face the facts and your parents will find out at some time