[XserenityX]

I don't want to trigger anybody. But I wanted to know other people's experiences with the urge to si. Sometimes my urges feel different than other times.
I sometimes don't realize it is an urge to si.
I was just wondering what it feels like for other people.

[JustWannaDisappear]

For me it's anxiety.

I get this overwhelming feeling that I need to DO something. I need to somehow destruct or ruin something and if I don't my anger will take over.

It's hard to explain, but I know if I can get my mind off of it and talk myself through it that I will be okay

[16lightningwolf]

Originally Posted by XserenityX

I don't want to trigger anybody. But I wanted to know other people's experiences with the urge to si. Sometimes my urges feel different than other times.
I sometimes don't realize it is an urge to si.
I was just wondering what it feels like for other people.

Sometimes it comes with stress, anger or just out of the blue...I can be watcing tv and there I go with my fingers or my mouth. When I a m around a relative at home I become nervous and I just start picking with out even thinking about it. I used to do it even in my sleep, that one has not happened anymore ty goodness, I think that was a wake up call.. I thought but then I still do it during the day

I really really do not want to keep doing this is very embarassing

[Moodswing]

My SI urges come from current events happening in my life. Something stressful that triggers my self critic or wounded child to take over causing that overwhelming self-hatred for myself or the oppressive feeling that I will never be anything more than I am, the feeling of being broken, or intrusive suicidal thoughts. SIing helps relieve that and it can be like hitting a reset button or like a release valve on a pressure cooker. Bingeing and purging is another way I cope with other feelings and emotions.

[C.Oliver]

The main time for me is anxiety over driving. I have to drive an hour to go to therapy and I usually SI in the car after the drive because I am so worked up. Which means it is right before therapy which isn't good because my therapist ALWAYS knows, grrrr.

It is also an OCD thing for me which I don't know if anyone else experiences. Once I get SI in my head I HAVE to do it to get it out of my head. It can be at any time. It just pops in there and circles and circles and circles and then I have to do it.

The other time is when I am alone. I have serious problems being alone. When my husband leaves me alone even just for a few hours I get REALLY scared and that is when I want to SI. (the chat rooms here have been helping though, when I get scared of being alone I go there and then I feel less alone)

And of course there is the old standard of getting really upset over something and wanting to take it out on myself...

I guess I have a lot of reasons why I do it. I try to curb it as much as possible but the driving one is what gets me EVERY time.

C and Oliver (my Service Dog)

[beautifulfreak]

For me it can be a trigger from a thought, a situation or impending event etc. My thoughts then just seem to spiral, I get really angry at myself and want to punish myself for not being able to cope with anything. Punish myself for my thoughts, my incapability to handle "stuff",for want of a better word.

Self-hatred, suicidal urges and it's all just one big cesspit.

[adam_k]

I have a few triggers. One of the big ones for me is failing at something or feeling bad about myself.

A few days ago me and my wife went to see a movie. I got up that morning and I just didn't want to get out of bed. In an effort to not he a miserable person, spreading my endless amount of inner despair I tried my best to put on a happy face and be enjoyable to be around. While watching the moving I just felt immense sadness. A couple times I couldn't help my eyes from waterings. I tried my best not to cry or let her see me. A few times I bite my lip, the pain helps me to manage sometimes.

I kept everything together throughout the movie. Then we went to lunch. I looked at the menu and I just couldn't decide. I said I will have whatever she orders. I had no appitie and honestly I wanted to starve myself, but I try to curb my hatred towards myself as much as I can. During the lunch she asked me what was wrong. I said I was feeling really down. Then she started to cry. She felt helpless and sad.

I felt such anger for myself. That I am so miserable that I can bring her down too. When they brought the food out, it came on a very hot plate. I just wanted to hurt myself for making her cry, for being a miserable sad person. I out my hand against the hot plate and I started to feel releif. Like somehow I deserved to be in pain for making her sad with my bs.

I didn't leave any marks and she didn't notice. That is my most recent urge.

[Neptune83]

For me it's like another version of me takes over and I can't stop it happening, I feel extreme anger and when it becomes too much, that's what I do. I don't feel I have any control, like an outsider looking in, although at times I don't remember an awful lot if anything, apart from an intense feeling of rage.

[a bland]

for me it this huge burst of energy that starts at the middle of my back and works its way up to my shoulders, then my arm, then my hands. all of a sudden i have to do something destructive. if i dont it just eats me alive. it is so painful to ignore it. if i ignore it i start sreaming and thrashing around. its the worst feeling i have ever had. i dont even know what triggers it.