does it get worse when...?

I get the waves piece, but it feels worse when I am asked to stop, or the scrutiny goes up... There was relief in talking to my T today (admitted a hugely shameful thing, which he said did not surprise him), but then the urges came back... it would all be so much easier if I could erase myself from existence; from the minds and hearts of those foolish enough to remember or care... but to the best of my knowledge, that technology does not exist yet...
He offered another time for tomorrow, but I have to pick my wife up from the airport... if she came later or earlier, I could see him, but his time is so limited... and i have to be there smack in the middle of his available hour... I will see him again Friday, but it is SO far away...
Someone asked me today if I had hoped he would hospitalize me for my admission... I didn't hope for it, but I have always been hospitalized for telling that, so it threw me off when he did not really get all flustered... I mean it's good he didn't, but it's different from what I had experienced in the past, so I don't know what to make of it... I guess it was an admission of past things, so there was no grounds... and he was so nice about it... he made me feel comfortable about telling him, even though I was pretty distant... he tried... he's so nice. I'm not used to that from a guy in a position of power... he seems to genuinely care, and I have no idea why... I don't see what would make me worth it... I don't see why my wife wants to be with me... I just bring everyone down... I really wish I could just fade away and hurt myself without consequence... it feels so wrong to keep trying... but part of me wants to keep fighting. part of me keeps reaching out. ugh. i'm so tired of the constant battle. i want to be able to give in to the urges and just make myself feel better, even if for only a few moments.

Hang in here. Things can get better. You are worthwhile. Your thinking processes are just skewed now. Okay?

I know. It just gets hard... I thought my wife being home would help a bit, but we just started fighting over stupid things that i already feel bad about.
Now I have to figure out how to secure disability so i can afford a treatment program for self harm in MO... but proves still take forever and I'm petty sure i will get denied a few times. I'm not sure if i have the energy to fight for it. Not sure i care enough. The hopelessness is taking over pretty fast. It sucks. I just feel like crap... and Friday is forever away.

I think I know how your feeling but I'm in no position at the moment to tell you something you already know. Telling a cutter to stop cutting is like telling a depressed person to snap out of it and be happy. Makes the situation worse.
I wish you the best.

As far as your wife, she obviously loves and cares for you and it's good to have someone like that on your side. Espically in the moments where you doubt yourself.

I do want to say one more thing. When you doubt yourself if you can't find the faith in your heart and soul find it in your loved ones friends and family.